female-led relationships

Note: this post is not PG-13. It has some sex stuff in it – but not what you are thinking!

A female-led relationship, also known as wife-led marriage or loving female authority by its advocates, is where the woman is the married head of the household and makes all the decisions. It is not a thing of whips and chains and leather (though sometimes it does become that!) – it is just a different power arrangement.

She makes all the decisions – about money, sex, housework, everything. She might ask her husband for his opinion, but she has the last word. He does not fight about it or disobey her. She does not nag, she does not play games to push his buttons – because she does not have to: they both openly accept her authority.

Some say it goes against nature or against the Bible. It certainly goes against the male pride of most men. But some secretly want it. They will even try “stealth submission” where they take over most of the housework and do whatever  their wife wants without question – but even that is not enough for them. They want her to know she is in charge and act like it. It turns them on.

The man winds up doing most of the housework. Because she can just tell him to do it and he does it. For example, if she wants to go out with her friends while he works on the laundry, she just says it: “I’m going out with the girls tonight. While I’m gone you can work on the laundry.” No fights, no games, no nagging, no nothing.

Some other things she might say to him:

• Go get the lotion. I need you to rub my feet.
• Run my bath for me. And while I’m in there get started on the laundry.
• Get up, Sweetheart, and make me some coffee and an English muffin with butter.
• You did a nice job cleaning the bathrooms; I am very pleased with you.
• I think I need to put you on a budget. At the beginning of every week, I’ll give you an allowance. If an emergency comes up, please feel free to come to me and we can discuss giving you some extra money.

She not only controls their money but also their sex life:

• I want a full body massage for exactly one hour; keep an eye on the clock. When you are done I want you to go down on me until I tell you to stop. Afterwards, we’ll both go to sleep. You won’t be having an orgasm tonight.

Her needs come first. His come second – if he has been good. Some say a man is easiest to control if he comes only once a month. There are debates about this on the Internet as it is a key number in these relationships. It is hard for the man, but it makes sex way less boring for him.

Thanks to commenter BCR for linking to her blog where I found out about this. I did not even conceive that such a thing was possible.

See also:

• The dark side of female-led relationships
• Around Her Finger – where I got the examples from. This post is mostly based on what I read there.
• The five levels of female-led relationships
• The black matriarch stereotype
• Why my wife argues – an angry, bitter (but good) post I wrote after one of my fights with my wife. It seems like maybe she wanted this sort of relationship but I fought it tooth and nail and then, two years after I wrote that post, I left.

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Read this when your wife argues

Some notes on the other night which I know I will need to read in the future. This is about the only place I can write it down where the wrong people will not see it. Hiding in plain sight.

The other day I was watching the news on CNN. I saw McCain’s wife. I have seen her dozens of times before, but this time she was looking good to me! You know, like in the way that Gabrielle Union or Bria Myles look good to me – though not that good, of course. Yes, it had been that long!

At work at meetings people are talking to me and I only hear half of what they are saying. I try to smile at the right points and piece together what they are saying. There is one thought that keeps pushing its way into my mind. Sex clouds my mind.

That is because all my wife does these days is argue about money. She gets angry, I get angry, she locks the door and then my blood boils.

The other night I came home all smiles. I am not sure why, but nothing anyone could say to me could kill my spirit. This angered my wife.

She started arguing about money. But this time I promised myself I would not get angry. I would bite my tongue and be patient. She had to want it as much as I did. In fact, this is just how she acts when she wants it bad – she picks a fight, an all-night fight.

So I waited. I had slept on the bus coming home, so I could stay up all night if I had to.

It went beyond money of course. She went on to call my mother and my sister all kinds of names. I quietly defended them but I refused to get angry. If I did all would be lost.

I said as little as possible. I knew that any words that left my mouth would be twisted against me and feed the fire. She was angry.

I waited. Twelve o’clock. I waited. One o’clock. I waited. Two o’clock. And then her anger burnt itself out.

She checked her email. Her sister had written. I offered to help her write back. She cannot type fast like I can.

After I wrote the email for her, I gave her suggestions for songs to put on her iPod. I went through my YouTube list of songs. YouTube is the closest thing I have to an iPod. She did not care for the few rock or rap songs I had, except for Juelz Santana, but she did like most of my R & B.

By that time, almost four in the morning, she had softened enough…

So I just had to be very patient and not lose my cool. And give up any ideas of sleeping that night. But it was worth it.

See also:

• Sex clouds my mind
• My wife’s handbook for seducing men
• my wife
• Gabrielle Union
• Bria Myles
• John McCain

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Sex clouds my mind

For our slower students who did not get that last posting:

My wife is away. I thought I would get a lot of work done. I did last time. When she is away my mind is undivided and I can pour my whole heart into something. I work for hours on end with no one to stop me.

This time it is different: all I think of is sex. Well, half the time.

I count the days.

We could have done it the morning she left, but I got up a half hour late and barely made the bus. Boy, what a mistake that was. If I had gone in late it would have saved me so much time later on!

If I do not do it for a while, sex begins to cloud my mind. Sex and women take up more and more of my thoughts. Someone is talking to me and what is going through my head? I am trying to think through something difficult and I have to start all over again – several times. Because what keeps pushing its way into my thoughts?

On the A train on the way home I look at the women. Last night I saw one with beautiful dark eyes. Our eyes met. In the state I was in, it took everything I had to keep from looking at her. Even as I write this a day later her face is burned into my brain. She was about 30 with a good smile and looked like Eleanor Roosevelt’s half-black love child.

But I know that after a point these thoughts will disappear altogether, at least for a while. It is like going without food or sleep. You get a second wind, but it does not last for ever.

I once compared it in this blog to turning 14 all over again. That is what it feels like. When I wrote that, I thought I was entering a new stage in my life, just as I did when I was 14. But now I see it was much simpler than that: I felt that way because I had gone too long without sex: at the time I was fighting with my wife. And so certain thoughts and desires began to take over.

I can go six months without sex, but it requires prayer and fasting. Fasting and sex seem to be opposites almost, at least for me.

My wife would be surprised to read all this and would believe none of it. She says I have almost no sex drive. What she refuses to believe is that it is her mouth that gets in the way of her own love life (and mine). I walk home wanting it so bad, but when I get home she starts a fight – because she wants it but is not getting it! This is how she seduces men?

I look out the window. God willing, Rebecca will return.

See also:

• The most beautiful black women in the world – that last posting
  
• Like turning fourteen all over again
• Rebecca
• My wife’s handbook for seducing men
• How a man looks at a woman
• The eyes of black women and white women

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