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Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

Remarks:

As some may have noticed, I am not a big blues fan, but I love this song.  The Rolling Stones and Eric Clapton did covers, but I like this version way better. Sorry, but this song is not believable coming from them.

Lyrics:

And I followed her to the station
with a suitcase in my hand
And I followed her to the station
with a suitcase in my hand
Well, it’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell
when all your love’s in vain
All my love’s in vain

When the train rolled up to the station
I looked her in the eye
When the train rolled up to the station
and I looked her in the eye
Well, I was lonesome, I felt so lonesome
and I could not help but cry
All my love’s in vain

When the train, it left the station
with two lights on behind
When the train, it left the station
with two lights on behind
Well, the blue light was my blues
and the red light was my mind
All my love’s in vain

Ou hou ou ou ou
hoo, Willie Mae
Oh oh oh oh oh hey
hoo, Willie Mae
Ou ou ou ou ou ou hee vee oh woe All my love’s in vain

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Soap opera update

seven-pounds-vanessa-williams-2Soap opera update on my life:

My wife Rebecca (pictured right as Vanessa A. Williams, her avatar in this blog) is in Jamaica with our two sons for a week, from August 20th to 27th. She is going to see her father who will probably not last another year. He has been healthy all his life but has been going downhill fast since the winter. The boys will spend time with their cousin Tiffany, who seems pretty Americanized even though she has only ever lived in Jamaica.

I am not there but back in America. I have a restraining order against Rebecca, so going with her was out of the question. She has threatened to kill me several times.

At two in the afternoon on the 20th, just a few hours after she arrived in Jamaica, someone tried to break into the house where I am staying. Very strange: It is a quiet neighbourhood where that sort of thing is rare.

The first thing that entered my brain is that she sent someone to kill me. It would be the perfect time to do it: she is out of the country and the boys, who stay with me, are out of the way. If I die she gets $500,000 in life insurance.

If it was a hit man, then presumably he will be back. If it was a robber, then probably not.

I told my mother that if I turn up dead, it is almost certainly Rebecca who is behind it: she is the only person I know who has ever ever threatened my life. She is also the only person who stands to gain from my death.

I live over 150 km away from her, but now she is going to sell the house and move close to me – to be able to spend more time with the boys, she says. So far she has respected the restraining order, so hopefully that will be protection enough – otherwise I will have to leave the country.

Her mother was the only one who could talk sense into her. But her mother died suddenly in 2003 and since then she has been getting worse and worse. She will stop at nothing to get her way: first she will try charm, then reason, then anger, then threats, then violence, then death threats. I did not wait to see what comes next. She has gone over the deep end. She needs help. But she does not think so.

I was hoping that if I kept the boys away from her she would get help. But the court will not allow it – she is their mother after all. So she has little reason to change. But if she does not change, I cannot live with her. Nor can any man for that matter, not for long.

The strange thing is, despite everything I still like her and love her. I miss her! But going back is out of the question till she gets help and makes lasting changes.

See also:

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My wife, again

VanessaAWilliamsI need to record this while it is still fresh in my mind. If I write it down anywhere else it will get lost or fall into the wrong hands. One of the ironies of this blog is that it hides in plain sight.

I saw Rebecca, my wife, yesterday for the first time in three months. We went to see Dr Becker (not his name but I have to call him something in this blog) to sort out who gets our two sons when.

Dr Becker is a family counsellor. The court appointed him because I said I do not want to divorce my wife – just not live with her till she gets help and gets better.

My wife has what is known as an abusive personality: she tries to control the people in her life even to the point of lies, put-downs, threats and physical violence when her charm fails to do the trick. I left her three months ago when her threats to kill me became a little too well-worded. I took our two sons with me.

No, I am not married to Vanessa A. Williams, but that is a good picture for this post because that is how pretty and charming she seems. When we talked to Dr Becker she poured it on. And he, despite all his degrees, is still a man and fell for it. She was affecting me too as angry as I was.

When I told Dr Becker that she threatened to kill me, she said, “Oh, in Jamaica we say that all the time. It doesn’t mean a thing.” Sure, “I’ll kill you” does not mean much, but what about “I am going to crack your skull”?

She lied like it was nothing, saying things she knows are not true, making it seem  like I was the one who had issues, not her. When I called her on it she would get angry and Dr Becker would move us past it. He was just there to get us to agree on how often she gets to see the boys.

She wanted the boys every other weekend when she is off. I said one weekend a month is enough. In the end we agreed she could have them for a long Fourth of July weekend, the last weekend in July when Frankie, the younger one, turns 12 (the other one is 13) and late in August to see her father in Jamaica, who probably will not last another year. If she returns them late or harms them then the remaining dates are out.

Dr Becker wants to give us marriage counselling. Rebecca said, “Oh yes, we need that.”  But before I left her it was always, “We will get marriage counselling when we can afford it.” But I am afraid she thinks that if she just smiles and says all the right words things will be magically back to the way they were.

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Vanessa-Williams7Today I go to see my wife. I left her three months ago taking our two sons with me. It was no longer safe to live with her – she had threatened my life too many times and was starting to get physically violent. I was right to leave: I was in far more danger than I knew, as it turned out.

Today I go back to come to some kind of decision about child custody with the help of a court-appointed family counselor. If this turns out to be my last blog post, then assume the worst.

That picture, by the way, is not her,  just a picture of the Hollywood actress who most reminds me of her (Vanessa A. Williams). Her son even looks like one of  my sons.

Now that I have gained a bit of distance I can see that she made her cooking bad on purpose. And it got worse  and worse as the months went by, making strange soups and spinach with rice.  It got so bad that sometimes I would just cook for myself, which means it must have been pretty bad. When I was single I lived on rice and beans. I made it for her once: she tasted it, made a face and said I could have the rest.

Yet as bad as her cooking got if you talked to her about it she would act hurt, throw a fit and threaten not to cook at all.

Right after I left I woke up every morning out of a bad dream about her. I still have those dreams from time to time and that reminds me of why I left and why I cannot go back any time soon.

But despite all that I do miss her, as mad and brainless as that sounds. It is not just the sex either, though that is part of it (as rare as that got towards the end). I miss her laugh, I miss just driving down the road with her and talking about nothing in particular. I miss holding her in my arms and whispering things in her ear. I miss looking at the corner of her mouth.

I sent her a birthday present a few weeks ago through Amazon. That struck her as kind of strange: she thought I hated her. Hatred is not why I left. I still love her, she is still the only one for me, even though that makes no kind of sense.

I hope to go back and live with her some day, maybe in two years, five years. If she can get help and change for the better. Most people like her do not change, not for good at least, but just get worse. So long as her mother was alive she never got too bad, but ever since she died she has got worse and worse till the day came I had to leave.

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chris-brown-picture-12There is no sure way of telling whether a husband or boyfriend will beat you, but there are certain warning signs to look for. Any one of these by itself might mean little, but several of them together is bad news (the same goes for wives and girlfriends, by the way, though this sort of behaviour is less common with them):

  • He looks down on his old girlfriends or wives.
  • At the beginning he thinks you are wonderful and perfect.
  • He does favours for you that make you feel uncomfortable.
  • He gets serious too quickly.
  • He says that if you truly love him you would sleep with him.
  • He is always checking up on your whereabouts.
  • He always seems to find bad things to say about your family, your friends, your clothes or your looks.
  • He disrespects you.
  • Nothing ever seems to be his fault.
  • He makes promises but does not keep them, almost as if he is doing it on purpose.
  • He kicks doors or throws things (you could be next).
  • He drives fast or wild when he is angry.
  • He acts nicer to you in public than in private, almost like he is putting on a show (he is).
  • He tends to go out with women much younger than himself.

If many of these sound just like him, then you should talk to the women in his past, if you can, and see what they say about him. If he has hit them, the day will probably come when he will hit you too. Do not fool yourself. It is how he has learned to deal with women when things are not going his way. Their past is most likely your future. Do not think you can change him, do not think you are that special to him – despite his words, you are not.

You should also seriously consider leaving him. That may be a hard thing to do, especially if you have children with him, but know this: the longer you wait, the harder – and more dangerous – it will become.

If he does any of the following he has already crossed the line into outright abuse even if he has not yet hit you:

  • He makes you feel physically afraid.
  • He threatens you.
  • He forces you to have sex.
  • He repeatedly keeps you from seeing family or friends.
  • He keeps you from going to school to better yourself.
  • He keeps you from pursuing your interests.
  • He makes you feel like an ant.
  • He gets back at you for complaining about his behaviour.
  • He denies his bad behaviour or blames it on you.
  • He makes you feel like you cannot do anything right.

How would you feel about a man who did these things to your mother? A man like this no longer sees his woman as his equal, as someone with a mind and a will and the freedom to use it. He no longer might be an abuser some day – he already is.

See also:

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I left my wife

I left my wife. I took our two sons, ages 11 and 13. She is no longer safe to live with.

She has threatened to kill me repeatedly. She said she would “crack my skull” if I did not keep the house clean enough. (I worked from home so housecleaning fell to me.) The night before I left I had pots on the stove drying. She said it made her want to drive a knife through my heart, to split my head open. Earlier that day she hit me in front of my sons and called me “useless” and then threatened to run me over with the car.

She is not well. She needs serious help. I will not return till she gets that help and gets well enough where I can feel safe living with her.

So now I am on the run. That is why I no longer blog regularly – because I cannot always get on the Internet whenever I want.

I do not know yet where I will wind up. Most likely New York where I used to live but maybe overseas. It depends on how likely I think she will come after me and how well she can find me.

We left on Sunday the first day of March. That morning the boys and I left to go to church and the library, like we always do on Sundays, but this time when we hit the main road we turned right instead of left and never looked back. All we had were the clothes on our back and our library books.

We went to a neighbour’s house to get off the street for a few hours. A good thing too because she went looking for us. She waited in front of the church for us and then went to the bus station.

We did go to the bus station – later on, after we left the neighbour’s house! There I called the police. They were no help: they told me to go back and, as an added favour, they would call my wife! But that made it impossible to return and play it off.

But we still needed to get back into the house: I had only $40 on me, not enough to get all three of us to New York. The boys also needed proper winter coats and I needed their passports and birth certificates. And the computer too so I could support them. All that stuff was back at the house.

I called the shelter and they put us up in a hotel room in town. On Tuesday in the middle of the night we went back to the house – she works as a night nurse – and took everything we could carry, leaving our footprints in the snow. I took the passports and my father’s Shakespeare, but I could not find the computer.

I filed a restraining order. On Wednesday my sister got us out of town. The hearing for the restraining order is on Monday, the ninth.

See also:

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Why do so few black American men marry black women? Mainly because there are not enough of them.

About 42% of black American women have never been married. Never. For white women the number is 22%.

For every 100 black women:

  • 35 are now married to a black man
  • 1 is now married outside the race
  • 22 were once married
  • 42 were never married

So what is going on with those 42 black men? Where are they? What are they doing? I ran some numbers, mainly using Census numbers for 2004. Here is what I found, listed in order from the least important to the most important (going by the numbers):

  • 1 is gay. He will never marry because he only goes with men.
  • 2 are married outside the race. Black men marry outside the race at a rate far higher than other men marry into it. This leaves over 200,000 black women without husbands.
  • 4 are in prison. Another 10 will be in prison at some point in their lives. Over a half million single black men are in prison. Black men are seven times more likely to be put in prison than white men. But that is another story.
  • 4 lack enough education. Unlike with whites, among blacks more women have degrees than do men. That means over a half million black women will be forced to marry down – or out of the race altogether. Either that or never get married. Which is the most likely outcome: few men want to marry a woman with more education and few men of other races are willing to marry a black woman. Among married white men, for example, only 1 in 400 has a black wife. For Asian men it is 1 in 450.
  • 13 are too young or not otherwise ready for marriage. The numbers I am using from the Census count anyone 15 years of age or older. So some of these are too young to marry. But others would have married – in the old days, that is, when sex was a big reason for men to get married. These days there is so much sex outside of marriage that that reason is dead and gone. That means many men are no longer in a big rush to get married – if ever.
  • 18 are dead. People forget this, but there is a huge oversupply of black women. Huge. Even if every single living black man married a black woman, 18% of black women would still not be married! Throw in interracial marriages and that still leaves 17% of black women without a husband. This is by far the biggest reason for that 42%.

You can throw in 10 divorced and widowed men into the mix. That might sound good, but then along with them come the 22 women who were once married, making matters worse not better. It will be hard for them to remarry, but some will.

White women are affected by the same sort of things, but in each case the numbers are not so bad. Instead of 18 dead, for example, there are only 6. Instead of 4 in prison, only 1 is. And so on. It all adds up making it much worse for blacks than for whites.

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Some notes on the other night which I know I will need to read in the future. This is about the only place I can write it down where the wrong people will not see it. Hiding in plain sight.

The other day I was watching the news on CNN. I saw McCain’s wife. I have seen her dozens of times before, but this time she was looking good to me! You know, like in the way that Gabrielle Union or Bria Myles look good to me – though not that good, of course. Yes, it had been that long!

At work at meetings people are talking to me and I only hear half of what they are saying. I try to smile at the right points and piece together what they are saying. There is one thought that keeps pushing its way into my mind. Sex clouds my mind.

That is because all my wife does these days is argue about money. She gets angry, I get angry, she locks the door and then my blood boils.

The other night I came home all smiles. I am not sure why, but nothing anyone could say to me could kill my spirit. This angered my wife.

She started arguing about money. But this time I promised myself I would not get angry. I would bite my tongue and be patient. She had to want it as much as I did. In fact, this is just how she acts when she wants it bad – she picks a fight, an all-night fight.

So I waited. I had slept on the bus coming home, so I could stay up all night if I had to.

It went beyond money of course. She went on to call my mother and my sister all kinds of names. I quietly defended them but I refused to get angry. If I did all would be lost.

I said as little as possible. I knew that any words that left my mouth would be twisted against me and feed the fire. She was angry.

I waited. Twelve o’clock. I waited. One o’clock. I waited. Two o’clock. And then her anger burnt itself out.

She checked her email. Her sister had written. I offered to help her write back. She cannot type fast like I can.

After I wrote the email for her, I gave her suggestions for songs to put on her iPod. I went through my YouTube list of songs. YouTube is the closest thing I have to an iPod. She did not care for the few rock or rap songs I had, except for Juelz Santana, but she did like most of my R & B.

By that time, almost four in the morning, she had softened enough…

So I just had to be very patient and not lose my cool. And give up any ideas of sleeping that night. But it was worth it.

See also:

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Before Papa died he warned me not to marry Rebecca:
she just wanted me for my money. I laughed: What money? But now his words ring in my head every day.

I have one of those adjustable rate mortgages. That means my monthly payment can suddenly jump up. It just did for the month of December. If interest rates do not come down it could go up again in June.

So now every night instead of making love, Rebecca argues about money. On and on.

But when we do not have sex in a long time the love drains out of her face. Everything I do is wrong, she finds fault with everything. I get little sleep. And down we circle into that deep, dark hole that I have talked about before.

When I have not had sex in a while I can no longer think straight. All I can think about is women. My work suffers. So I stay at work longer to make up, but that causes more trouble at home. And so on.

But the worst part this time is how she talks about her credit rating. Like it is more important to her than me. Like maybe Papa was right after all.

I can now imagine her as an old women, rich but alone. She has her beautiful credit rating and all her money in the bank, but no one likes her. Everyone talks about her behind her back and laughs. When she dies no one comes to her funeral. It is grey and raining. Like the opposite of Saint Elizabeth. Like something out of Dickens.

She was so beautiful. I did not want to marry anyone else. I did not care what Papa said.

Even though I make way more money than I ever did, she says it is not enough. What about the boys’ education? What about retirement? What if I get sick and can no longer work? She needs a year’s income in the bank or she will not feel safe.

So she wants me to work not just 40 hours a week, but to find more work and work for 60 hours a week. What is going on?

I have to say that till now I have always regarded her possible death as a terrible thing, but now, for the first time ever, I am not so sure. I hate to say it, but there it is.

Before her mother died four years ago Rebecca was reasonable. I think her mother talked sense into her from time to time and kept her from doing anything completely brainless. But now there is no one she listens to but herself. No one to tell her she is wrong.

I never once thought of leaving her when her mother was alive. I thought seriously about it three years ago. But now those thoughts are coming back.

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Most of the following should apply to women of any colour anywhere in the world, but as it is based on my experience as well as an article from Ebony magazine, it applies particularly to black women in America and the West Indies.

If you want to date and marry a black woman, then you should:

1. Only go after beautiful black women.

Many are not taken and not all of them are stuck up! You might think you would have more luck going after plainer women, but that only works in the short run, because you will not be able to do what comes next:

2. Tell her how beautiful she is. Repeatedly.

No matter how amazing she looks, she thinks she is fat, that her hair is no good, that her body does not please you. Tell her how you love her eyes, her body, her shape, her hair, her skin colour, everything. But this only works if you mean it and she believes it.

3. Keep an open mind.

Do not assume that she:

  • is stuck up
  • is overbearing
  • has a man
  • does not need a man (she does)

Even if she is overbearing, she does not think of herself that way: it is her way of showing her love and concern for you. Like some mothers.

4. Only go after a woman you would want to marry.

She is not necessarily looking for a husband, but if the two of you last, then after a point she will want to settle down and get married.

5. Be faithful.

She may forgive, but she will never forget. The hurt you cause can last a lifetime. It will also make this impossible:

6. Make her feel special.

She wants the flowers and all that, but she also wants to know that she is the only one for you. Show her. Surprise her. Use your imagination.

7. Lose weight and look your best.

Unless she is blind.

8. Become knowledgeable about her body and how to please her.

She wants it as much as you do, but she wants more than five minutes!

9. Do not be cheap.

It makes her feel cheap. She will not want to be with you. It is not your money that she is interested in, but what it says about your character.

10. Let her flirt.

In most cases she is not looking for someone new. She just wants to know if she still has it, if she is still desirable to other men. She means no harm by it.

10. Think James Bond.

What draws women to James Bond is not so much his looks or his car, but his confidence, daring, and boldness; how he is able to face any circumstance no matter how bad it looks. He knows his mind and takes action.

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[Yaya DaCosta]

For our slower students who did not get that last posting:

My wife is away. I thought I would get a lot of work done. I did last time. When she is away my mind is undivided and I can pour my whole heart into something. I work for hours on end with no one to stop me.

This time it is different: all I think of is sex. Well, half the time.

I count the days.

We could have done it the morning she left, but I got up a half hour late and barely made the bus. Boy, what a mistake that was. If I had gone in late it would have saved me so much time later on!

If I do not do it for a while, sex begins to cloud my mind. Sex and women take up more and more of my thoughts. Someone is talking to me and what is going through my head? I am trying to think through something difficult and I have to start all over again – several times. Because what keeps pushing its way into my thoughts?

On the A train on the way home I look at the women. Last night I saw one with beautiful dark eyes. Our eyes met. In the state I was in, it took everything I had to keep from looking at her. Even as I write this a day later her face is burned into my brain. She was about 30 with a good smile and looked like Eleanor Roosevelt’s half-black love child.

But I know that after a point these thoughts will disappear altogether, at least for a while. It is like going without food or sleep. You get a second wind, but it does not last for ever.

I once compared it in this blog to turning 14 all over again. That is what it feels like. When I wrote that, I thought I was entering a new stage in my life, just as I did when I was 14. But now I see it was much simpler than that: I felt that way because I had gone too long without sex: at the time I was fighting with my wife. And so certain thoughts and desires began to take over.

I can go six months without sex, but it requires prayer and fasting. Fasting and sex seem to be opposites almost, at least for me.

My wife would be surprised to read all this and would believe none of it. She says I have almost no sex drive. What she refuses to believe is that it is her mouth that gets in the way of her own love life (and mine). I walk home wanting it so bad, but when I get home she starts a fight – because she wants it but is not getting it! This is how she seduces men?

I look out the window. God willing, Rebecca will return.

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I knew it! I knew it!

When I came to bed last night Rebecca asked me if I paid this or paid that, when would I cut the grass and all these little things. She kept finding little things to get on my case about. And she would ask her questions in that accusing voice of hers. A few seconds of silence would pass and then she would find something new to ask about.

Then it came through my thick head: she wants it.

This is how she seduces men. Not getting it gets her upset and this is how she acts. Sometimes it gets far worse where she questions my manhood.

She and her friends talk about how little they get it now that they are married. They should think about what comes out of their mouth – the things they say now that they never said before they got married.

Men have very simple, straightforward needs. Women are the ones who make it into something with a thousand twists and turns.

After it came to me, she said, “Did you check the windows on the ground floor? Did you check to see if they are locked?” I said no, did she open them?

So I went to check them, the bedroom door closing a little too loudly. I was not that upset – it may have been the wind. She has all the windows on the upper floor opened.

The windows were locked, just as I had left them. She never opened them. It was just a way to get me out of the room: when I came back the bedroom door was locked.

Ugh!

Wednesday night she would barely say a word to me. But after I helped her get some songs down from the Internet she softened a little and we watched “American Idol” together, the one where Chris and Phil got kicked off. That Blake is a genius. If Melinda does not win, he should.

When I thought she had softened enough, I tried to touch her but she pushed my hand away.

Thursday night was her birthday. I tried to get home early but when I got there the house was dark. It seems she went out for the day. Then last night one of her friends took her out for her birthday.

I have little money – I am just hanging on till the 15th when I get paid next. So all I could get for her birthday were some flowers and a card. I told her I would take her out after the 15th and give her some money for iTunes. She said, “You don’t have to.” She said it in that sad way meaning she is not getting her hopes up.

Ugh!

I know she wants it. I do too. It is half of what I think of. But, as before, her mouth is getting in the way. I got to get to her body before she can open it.

See also:

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Why my wife argues

I wrote this in the heat of the moment. I was very bitter and angry at the time, so it is overstated.

Friday night at one in the morning. Just had an argument with my wife. A good thing she has to go to work tomorrow or it would have gone till six.

So now I know: we are not lovers or even friends. Certainly not equals of any sort. I just work for her. She wants everything done her way.

All she cares about is if I do what she wants. And if I do not do it fast enough, as fast as she wants, well then I am just an asshole who only cares about himself, attempting to take advantage of her.

Let us see. Here are the rules:

  1. I am not allowed get angry at her. Unless I am in the right and she is in the wrong, something she will never admit to. Ever. She says the next time I get angry without cause, she will blind me in one eye.
  2. I am not allowed to roll my eyes at her. That shows disrespect.
  3. Talking to her is completely one-sided. It is not a search for truth. It is about her threatening me bodily harm till she has me saying she is right.

If I did not already have children with her, I would be gone. In a second. Well, ten minutes. I really really regret marrying her.

She did not want to get our marriage right with the Church. Maybe it is just as well.

Yet I know that when a marriage breaks up it tears the children apart inside. Makes it hard for them to make lasting marriages of their own.

So somehow I have to stand my ground and make it right. Make the marriage right within and right with the Church. I do not see how it is going to happen. Back to prayer and fasting.

We need marriage counselling. She will say we do not have money for that. Yet we do have money to go to the other side of the world, we do have money so she can go to the Mediterranean with her friends. But we do not have money to mend a broken marriage.

It is so hard to talk to her. She does not want to hear the truth.

I was attempting to keep a schedule, and I will still go on with it as much as I can. I know I get a lot more done that way. But to her my getting to bed on time is just about me being an asshole, not doing what she wants, taking advantage of her.

She wants to have it both ways: she wants to manage my time yet point the finger at me when things do not get done.

But, you know, I doubt it has anything to do with that. It was just something she could argue about. I think it is her way of saying she needs it bad. And until she gets it, she will find one thing or other to argue about.

That must be it: this morning she was the complete opposite.

Sat Jan 20 07:21:10 UTC 2007

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The book on marriage I most trust is Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple”. I like him: he does not give up and is grounded in God.

The book has got me through some really rough times and not heeding it mostly lands me into trouble.

Here are some rules from the book that I have gathered. I tell them from the male point of view, but they work either way:

  1. When your marriage is in trouble, chances are it
    is because your wife is being unfaithful to you or is seriously thinking about it. Not always, but most of the time. Prepare for the worst. When and if the bad news comes, do not ask for the details: it will be impossible for you to get them out of your head. It will make it that much harder to save your marriage. You are far better off not knowing.

    Know this: Christ can be on your side but never on the other side. This is your edge.

  2. Do not discuss your marriage with family and friends: they will take your side against your wife and make it harder for you to keep your marriage together. Some will tell you to leave her.
  3. Never say anything bad about your wife – not even to yourself! It will poison you and come out in how you act towards her. It will only make matters worse. You will not change her, certainly not in the short run. Work on changing yourself instead.
  4. Always honour and respect her, even when she does not deserve it!
  5. Meet her needs and desires. It is the only way she will know if you love her.
  6. Let her know you still love her and still want her above all other women – so long as it is true!
  7. Pray and read Scripture daily. You will need God’s strength and direction to get through this. Start with: 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3, Hosea (especially chapter 15) and the Song of Solomon.

    And then: Genesis 2, Psalms 31, 52, 112, Proverbs 5, Philippians 1.6, Romans 12, 2 Corinthians 12.

    These talk about the nature of marriage and married love. Know them, live them.

  8. Even when the love has died, it can be brought back if you take the first step and show her your love, time after time, day after day, without fail. What man can match you?
  9. Do not lose hope. Let God lead you. It will take months, maybe even years. Keep on course!
  10. Do not sign anything that ends the marriage. Resist this as much as possible.
  11. If others talk about you or say bad things, do not defend yourself.
  12. Reread the book.

In short: Do not give up, follow God and show her unconditional love.

These rules do not always work, but they work in most cases. Like with a serious disease, the sooner you act the better your chances.

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The dark, deep hole


My marriage has again fallen into one of those vicious cycles, one of those dark, deep holes where she is angry at me because we have not had sex in so long and yet her anger makes it next to impossible for that to happen. It happened in July and in February. It happens about every six to nine months. Mostly it only goes on for a week or two, but at times it has gone on for months! It is horrible.

It starts out with me working long hours. By the time I get home all I want to do is sleep. Then the anger on her side builds. She treats me like an ant, she will barely look at me. Then she says I do not talk to her or that we never talk about anything serious. Then everything I do is wrong, I have not done this or that, when will I ever get it done, I am not a man of my word. Then when I am doing all the things that I did not do, to be a man of my word even though all the sleep I am getting now is on the bus, she says I am avoiding her. Down and down we go. I am tired, bitter and angry and the last thing I want to do is to make love to her, but that poisons the whole thing more.

She says that this all happens by design, that I want it to happen, that I like to see her miserable, that I want to drive her to suicide, that I want her to end the marriage so I can find someone young and thin and beautiful. She says that I am keeping myself from her on purpose, that somehow I do not need sex. I am doing all this to hurt her.

This time there is something new: violence. She sticks her finger in my face and then strikes me in the chest. Not in a mean way, but in an angry, I-am-making-a-point-here way. But then she goes on and says she feels like driving a knife through me. Because I am doing all this on purpose and just sitting back to watch her suffer.

Two nights ago she argued on and on. Then she sent me out of the room to turn down the heat. When I got back the bedroom door was locked.

She says I am married to my computer and that I come home too late to do anything. I promised I would leave work at five as the rule and not the exception and that when I got home I would not go on the computer. If I needed to be on the computer for anything, I would get up early in the morning and do it.

Last night I gave her flowers. She softened maybe a bit.

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