A wife beater is a man who beats up his wife, who is physically violent against her, who abuses her. Men who hit their girlfriends or constantly put them down – abuse starts out first as just words – think the same way. So do women who do the same to men.
In this post I will use the term wife beater because it is a convenient way of talking about it and because most are, in fact, wife beaters. What follows comes mainly from the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.
Here are some things people think about wife beaters. None of these are true, at least not for most of them:
- They had a bad childhood.
- They have a hard time controlling their anger.
- They are sick in the head.
- They drink too much.
- They do drugs.
- They come from a poor family.
- They are black (and blacks are supposedly more violent or find violence more acceptable).
- They hate women or have had bad experiences with them.
- They hold in their feelings too much.
- They have a hard time at work or in some other part of their life.
- They have a weak conscience.
Clearly some wife beaters are black or drink too much or whatever but it has little to do with why they beat their wives. If they stop drinking, for example, they would still beat their wives, though maybe not as much.
The root of their violence comes from how they think of themselves and their wives.
They think of their wives as:
- Someone to control.
- Someone to possess.
- Someone whose duty it is to serve him – whenever and however he wants.
- Someone who is not as good as he is.
- Someone he can disrespect.
It does not come from how they view women generally or even from a weak sense of right and wrong. You can tell that because very few of them beat their mothers or sisters or would even dream of it.
Wife beaters do not love their wives. What they call love others call control and possession. Even their jealousy – and some act extremely jealous – does not stem from love but from a sense of ownership: she is mine, so no one else can have her. Keep that in mind!
The same goes for respect. The hitting and the constant put-downs comes from a lack of respect.
Much of what they say to their wives makes them sound angry or even not right in the head. But you cannot take everything they say at face value: they lie and make up stuff just to throw her off balance. Like when they say she is seeing other men.
They beat their wives because they can get away with it, because it is how they have learned to control their wives to get what they want. Because what they want matters so much more than what their wives want.
See also:
An informative post, which might serve well to warn someone.
I hate it when people refer to those sleeve-less t-shirts as “wife beaters” or “beaters.” Wtf?
Your current trauma may be too raw at this point, but it might be even more informative and instructive to read a post from you on something you’re clearly well positioned to address, abusive wives. Not that they’re all the same, just as all wife beaters are not all the same.
And then, how about companion posts on the types of men and women who tend to end up with abusive partners?
There’s so much to say in these areas, so much that people don’t know, so much that they have trouble keeping in mind even when they do know.
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THERE IS NO BLOODY EXCUSE THAT EXPUNGES THE FACT THAT YOU ARE BEATING AND HARMING THE ONE PERSON OR PEOPLE THAT YOU SHOULD BY ALL MEANS LOVE!!!!
NOT IT HAPPENED TO ME,
NOT I HAD ONE TOO MANY LAST NIGHT,
NOT I HAD A ROUGH DAY,
NOT THE FACT THAT SHE IS A OF A PARTICULAR ETHNICITY (god help me i screamed when i heard some idiot trying to say that certain women are fiesty so “you know”),
NOT BECAUSE THEY PISSED YOU OFF!!!
NOTHING AND NO REASON IS ACCEPTABLE.
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Anna Deavere Smith does “Convict Paulette Jenkins” (skip ahead to 6:00)
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i think that itis absolutly true that wife beaters crave control because they are out of controll themselves i think it is also true that they dont respect their spouses because the first thought that should come into someones mind when they say horrable things to you is that if you ever said that to them they would be hurt and they would want to beat you to a pulp so why say it to the one you say you love but wouldnt say it to your mother.
i strongly believe that they are stupid but want to act brighte what type of person would want to do that clearly a bloody wife beater a cowered who cant face you
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Very informative information, however to say that “blacks” are the majority of abusers is a bit extreme…there are tons or even more whites who beat their wives…wherever you got your statistics from they are wrong…as there are more poor whites in America then blacks…let’s start speaking the truth without the constant data of blacks being more violent then whites…please, whites kill their who damn families and not to mention their own parents…whereas u never hear of such sick in the head shit like that from blacks….so please get your facts straight and stop thinking white is so much better…besides black is the beginning of were life originated….and they all want to be like us, with their fake tans, lip injections, fat buts…etc…so please let’s not twist up the facts as when these white people right their articles they will not say anything bad about their own race for fear of the truth..(Which all blacks know already) America is one of the most racist people and you never hear them say anything good abour blacks becasue of jealousy of them wishing to be like us…with our lovely pigmentations and fine dark color….hi haters!!
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I do not believe I said anywhere in this post that most abusers are black. If I did, please point out where. It would have to be a mistatement since I certainly do not believe it.
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I just want to know what do you say to a wife beater
Did you kill her yet?
How can you take something so beautiful and make it ugly.
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It’s quite important to read an article right, before making comments. If you don’t have the time to read it correctly, then, don’t record any comments.
When the writer states that “They are black (and blacks are supposedly more violent or find violence more acceptable)”, the writer is referring to some MISCONCEPTIONS (or mistaken ideas) that people have about wife beaters, be they male or female.
I think it’s a good post. No one has a right to make another human being feel less than they are. In fact, your spouse is supposed to help you to be the best that you can ever be.
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I am confused. Seems that an abuser is insecure and a coward the ones I personally know seem to think they are King and to be treated as such. They seem to think people owe them. A man should never hit a woman and most of these men who are jealous of thier women have women who don’t screw around. Yet they love to chase skanky loose women and have affairs with them. These men are so ass backwards and the women they victimize are usually timid submissive trusting types. I personally trust noone and it has proven to be a smart choice. These poor women have no idea that if they just stood up and showed these men what they really are. (frightened little boys)! These women would suffer alot less. A man cannot control you if you don’t let him! Some women are raised to believe the man is the head of things. That is true to some extent but when he starts finding fault, blaming you for how he feels threatening you and cheating on you constantly the only thing left is to beat you and I can safely say that won’t happen if you don’t allow it!! Women have a voice and we can stop the abuse!! We are not Powerless!
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Look at his parents, and remember the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. If there’s something about his parents that doesn’t seem right, either the mother is dominate in that relationship or her needs are met and the child(ren)’s are not, this means that the parenting skills were lacking. If a man lifts his hand to you, get out, no matter what.
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I was interested in this line
“… It does not come from how they view women GENERALLY”
I thought this is exactly the issue. Mothers being exceptions to the GENERALITY
Perhaps the book may qualify its position clearly, since I have not read it – and then again – I may well be wrong.
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This actually could use more info on husband beaters. I know more abusive women than men, and I was glad to see that you brought to light the fact that it’s not just men who hit.
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Interesting post about domestic violence.
I went out with a guy once who thre me down the stairs. He used to smoke weed almost everyday.
I told him not to ever phone me again, of course he did, but in the end I stuck to my guns becuase he was just bad news.
I now someone who suffered from long-term domestic violence. It was a two-way violent relationship, but a lot of the things you posted in the first part do apply to the person (guy) and I would say all the things in the last bit do apply for that very volatile relationship.
It makes you think.
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I beat my wife mercilessly for eighteen years of marriage and before we were married. I felt justified in it. She finally got the guts to divorce me. Now she and her boyfriend abuse my kids physically, emotionally and psychologically.
They are so good at covering their tracks that they’ve got the police believing its the kids fault. I feel helpless to stop it. Guess I’m getting what I gave. My kids shouldn’t have to pay for my crimes.
Pray for the kids. They’re not a jerk like me. And no, I wont remarry…I’m sure I’d do no better to anyone else. I’m so full of anger and resentment that I wouldn’t ever be a good husband.
I hope anyone reading this doesn’t hate me, but I couldn’t blame them if they did.
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I grew up in a violent home. I became very non-violent.
I do not believe that 99% of wife beaters can be changed. I believe that most men have a strong “barrier” that prevents them from hitting weaker people, I believe that a man who is without that “barrier” cannot develop one.
If you are in an abusive relationship please leave now and do not go back. shrinks and counselors have an optimistic view of their abilities, ignore them. I am a 50 year old male and I have seen this over and over.
Leave now.
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latasha
he specifically said that he is NOT i repeat for your ignorance NOT pointing at blacks but that MOST people believe that abusers are more likely to be black however this is NOT TRUE> LEARN TO READ. O and the only reason there are more poor whites is there are more freaking white people in AMERICA period. so yea theres more poor whites and more rich whites than there are poor and rich blacks. and something that is true QUIT BEING SO EMOTIONALLY and making everything personal. MOST blacks have a complex chill the freak out im white trash and I LOVE IT you wont see me crying when people say IM poor and white. WHY are you crying because of who you are????? psh
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Just a question, how does a wife beater treat his daughter?
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It has nothing to do with having a bad childhood Irene. People choose their own paths. TRUST ME!!! You can choose to go through a path you have experienced, or choose a path to stay as far away from your own bad childhood as much as possible. I am sick and tired of hearing excuses for people (They had a bad childhood, or he/she is going to turn out terrible because they had a bad childhood.) Everyone is responsible for their individual actions and choosing their own way of life. Those are EXCUSES not REASONS.
PAUL, I have seen it both ways. The wife beater will either treat his daughter like a princess, or over punish them for their discipline.
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This is all very true. Accusations off cheating isn’t their only trick to throw you off; whenever they feel the woman withdrawing or gaining back her strengh they pull her into a rescuing role by having a teary meltdown about their past and how everyone is always against them and keeping them down. They’ll go on and on about how they want to change but down know how and how they need the woman to keep them straight. It’s all alie lie but those are the worst lies when they trick you into helping facilitate your own abuse.
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That’s my husband
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Make a plan to leave
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Silvia, no matter what you feel, think or fear, get out now! Don’t let his lies cost you or your children (If any) your lives, your happiness, your self-worth. I was abused for seven years, that was from the time I was 18 until I finally got a divorce at the age of 25. I am now 50 and I can honestly say it effected EVERY-thing and EVERY decision I ever made. Fear grows because they tell you what they want you to believe. You MUST get some type of proof, make plans, do not confront him or tell him you are leaving, just do it when he is gone and NEVER go back. Yes, your life will change but at least you will have a life to live and a future. IF you can, make a doctors appointment and tell the doctor what is going on, call a hotline and tell them what is happening, If you cannot tell anyone or get proof, just get out, then tell your story. Abused women are found dead every day. GET OUT!
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Just get out, for god’sake, get you and your kids out and get to a place of safety, buy a gun for protection.
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So true i believe its not upto circumstaces such as race upbringing and crap its about the whole im stronger than you so i can intimidate u and control you. What you say doesnt count. Why do women have to put up with this crap. Women are EQUAL if not more superior in my opinion. Life has changed since the old days its not about how strong yoi arw physically but mentally emotionally and spiritually counts alot more.
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I have tried to deal with that issue in my draft novel, The Abduction of Anne O’Donel, where Annes mother has been cruelly beaten by her husband, Judge O’Donel. The Judges insecurity was fuelled by jealousy when he saw his beautiful young wife flirting with a handsome young buck at the Maidenhill Ball. Mary O’Donel would have left her husband were it not out of concern for the safety of her daughter, Anne. It took a long time for Mary to recover her confidence and self-esteem after Anne eventually persuaded her father to stop the beating.
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my husband right there knowing how to make people believe am always in the wrong. i must say i dont have the courage to leave,,, totally a christian ’till death do us part’ you know what i mean. He beat me in front of my crying children and no much protection in this country of mine (malawi). so seriously guys am stuck in this marriage, dying slowly in the heart!!!
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NDAZI
Read Rose Madder. It may help.
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How ironic. The domestic violence post says, “How would you feel about a man who did these things to your mother?”
Well, he does! My son-in-law has never beat me or my daughter. But there’s verbal abuse aplenty. He (tries to be) worse with me than with my daughter, I think because he sees me as a safer target. If you can believe it, they live with me. The reason I allow them to is for the sake of their two young daughters. I am hoping my positive input can make a difference in their lives. My daughter does not see his behavior as something to leave him over.
My son-in-law is the son of a wife beater. It was my son-in-law who got his mother to call the cops, finally. He hit his sons too, but, just like Bobby said above, he treated his daughter like a princess.
Now when he “loses it,” (i.e., tries to use a temper tantrum to control my behavior) I go up to my room, put on my headphones, and shut the door. Yesterday he ranted and raved, and I didn’t hear a word he said!
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I gotta say. When the Rihanna/Chris thing came out I thought “man are they being racist against Chris? and/or sexist in favor of Rihanna? Black brute vs. supposed y harmless Damsel in distress? Overlooking Rihanna’s part in this fight?” But after seeing that creepy “Why stop now” video with Busta Rhymes, plus his violent outbreaks I’m starting to think maybe they were right and he might really be a little messed up. Or more.
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He was always messed up, but the whole “black guy under attack by white media” dynamic led a lot of people to rally behind him.
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It’s a nightmare I hope to get away from someday. It’s really too bad. The modern day slavery.
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I hate all wife beaters and would love to kill them all slowly. Chris Brown is a despicable asshole who should lose his pathetic record deal and be shoit in the head. Bastard. I hate his guts so much.
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Although Abagond’s post points ( in part) to the misconception that only Black men are wife- beaters, I do want to talk about Black men being abusers in the context of his place in the world today.
I am looking at it from the angle of why Black and Original/ Aboriginal men hurt their wives. I do not have an in depth psychological or sociological background to look at this.
As a survivor of extreme violence, this is one question that has beset me for most of my life.
Never, though I am I going to exonerate the abuser, but here, to try to see the bigger picture. The man who lifts his hand up to me now will do it mid-way.
I am not addressing the corrective action, that is, the man taking responsibility for his actions and the psychological remedies, if any, to end this scourge. I am also fully aware that wife-battering cuts across all social and economic strata.
I do not have any answers, but I think if one places the abuser in context ( in my case, in South Africa), this very big problem does not lie with the man himself only, but the society that produces such a diminished and reduced man. His sense of self, shattered by self-hate with no accurate self-perception, and confidence, emasculated by a settler society, having to bear intolerable violence and exploitation from the dominant/dominating society, loss of culture, autonomy, language, religion, land through slavery, genocide, and colonialism and new world domination, sheds some light why he would hurt some-one more vulnerable than him- his wife and children. In short, a man taught to hate himself.
In my country, we are grappling and trying to make sense of the extreme levels of violent crime – rape, murder, domestic violence (that DOES NOT take place in alarming levels in neighbouring countries like Namibia, Botswana, Mocambique and Zimbabwe or the rest of Africa). Yet, there is no fully orchestrated project to understand the full-depth of the depravity of apartheid and its effects on the citizens of South Africa.
In December, every year there is 16 days of activism against the abuse of women and children . It is not enough, but a small band-aid.
The epidemic of violence (against women and children) has had the slow incubation of centuries of dispossession, displacement, loss of autonomy, culture, language, religion, land, through slavery and indentured servitude, genocide of the First People, colonialism, apartheid, with its clever, evil and massive social engineering, and a post- apartheid neo- colonial society where no-one really respects the law. A country where some men are expected to work (in his land of birth) for 16 hours for R65 a day less than about $4 a day under psychologically abusive exploitative and degrading conditions and lives in conditions not fit for human habitation and then has to contend with real life situations as a normal adjusted human being. Unemployment and mind-boggling poverty in a land of plenty are also contributing factors. Of course, middle-class and upper-class Black men are not exempt from this familial dysfunction.
I am not saying that every Black, Coloured or First Nations man who experienced white imposition is an abuser or lives in such conditions.
The emasculation of the Black or Original man, the destruction of his potency and vitality as a man in his own skin, the purposeful diminishment to a half man half beast, the ceaseless psychological warfare, deep spiritual sense of loss of a world he can never get back[that acute sense of loss is more manifested in First peoples , the San people , for example outside of living on their own land, are reduced to outsiders of humanity], the nightmare of inarticulateness that you indeed are a man and not a s*vage beast , the perversion of an outsider kleptocracy on old patriarchal traditions in sub-human living conditions, refuge and escape in alcohol and drugs that can permanently alter the personality distorting sense of self and the world, a human being stripped of dignity and respect, seeing his womenfolk being abused by the dominant society in his (more?) emasculated state, deep feelings of despair and hopelessness, inability to take care of his own psychic needs, COMPLEX post-traumatic stress disorder, surrounding environment that reflects his sense of inferiority, the victim of the project of total dehumanization, and and and…… are borne in a violent white dominating society that strips the Black man of his normal place in the world.
( I am not seeking here to extricate the man from his place of transcending his circumstance by ‘blaming’ the white man for everything , neither can it be entirely the fault of the white man, but the onus of the man to overcome and take responsibility for his own life.).
By white denial and innocence of crimes against humanity, why, then it places the Black man as the architect of his own misfortune and failure and in the context of Africa, a recidivist s*avage.
What of the centuries of transmission through generations of intra- familial dysfunction borne through the fracturing and fragmentation of the family in an exploitative and racist society is brought to bear on the modern family? So, the son or the father, seemingly , for the first time in generations to succeed(financially) hurts his girl-friend or wife. What is going in the family dynamic to produce such dysfunction? False sense of entitlement, generational modelling of abuse, emasculation, internalization that violence is a problem-solver , inferiorization of self, untreated mental illness, e.g complex post traumatic stress disorder through child abuse, depression?
My contention is that we (most of humanity) were not this way before the arrival of the white man, but after contact with him.
This is a very rough sketch of how I view dysfunction in the Black family.
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violence and domestic violence is a part of my story!
“have you stopped beating your wife yet?”
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there is a recursive logic there, trying to not only relive but purpetrate some times what happened to you? you have to stop it yourself. can’t say oh because i got raped and/or locked up…
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@taotesan
In other words, intense subjugation produces intense intergenerational trauma to the individual and highly destructive consequences to families and society.
Something I think of often is how does a person or community:
➤recognize and stop the effects of intergenerational trauma in themselves?
➤recognize and stop the effects of intergenerational trauma in their families?
➤create a program of healing for themselves and their families/communities?
➤know when they have achieved wholeness?
➤maintain wholeness in themselves and future generations?
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@v8driver
Good point about recursive logic and experience.
I know some people who broke out of destructive patterns only after a great deal of soul searching and therapy. A supportive community was a plus.
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@ Taotesan.
I wasn’t aware of the situation in South Africa. What you write makes sense to me. What I got from Abagond’s piece was that wife beating wasn’t just a Black thing.
My father left my mother for another women when I was 4 or 5. I never saw him hit my mother and what distant memories I have of him he is smiling at me. He was killed in a work related accident at 33 so I never knew him. I would fantasize later about leaving my mother and home and living with him. As a teen it was particularly hard on me not having a father figure in my life.
My mother beat me on a daily basis until I was to big to beat. I dont know if the anger she directed at me was also anger that was directed at my father. It broke my spirit and later led to a self destructive drug filled life during my 20’s. At that time it seems the women I attracted were possessive and insecure and similarly beat up on me.
It was in a drug rehab clinic that the idea that child abuse was not normal and that my demons may have been fostered their. Once I sobered up and reevaluated my life did things begin to change for me. I gained self worth through mastering a trade and becoming independent. That led to dating women who weren’t abusive.
Today my relationship with my mother is a bit strained. I have been able to let the past go but I haven’t been able to connect with her. I support her as I should but I was never given an opportunity to learn to love her. I sometimes feel guilty about that. She is an extremely religious person and it is that she learned to love and hide in, not her children. I think she come from an abusive family and was never shown love. This may be a different dynamic then what motivates wife beaters but it seems that one of the underlying traits is an inability to love.
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@Afrofem and Michaeljonbarker
“In other words, intense subjugation produces intense intergenerational trauma to the individual and highly destructive consequences to families and society”,
I agree with with wrap-up, but I think it is much more than that, Afrofem.”
And your questions too,demand more of meditative reflection, scrutinity and more research than a mere quick response.
Yes, I am trying to touch upon the experience of historic transmission of trauma and that inter -generational grief which is psychological
baggage that is passed down from parent to child with the trauma and UNRESOLVED grief and (memories) experienced in each individual’s lifetime and in some/ many cases the contemporary victim/survivor re-experiencing of the ancestors trauma, where symptoms such a wife-battering, suicidation alcoholism, child abuse take place as result of genocide( In the case of First People and Aborigines) and slavery (mostly Africans and Africans in diaspora)
In a paper on historic trauma, Alan Young states that it (trauma) is “a disease of time in the etiological sense. That is: “the pathology consists of the past invading the present in re-experiences and re-enactments, and of the person’s efforts to defend himself from the consequences”.
Both your posts provoke more questions and thoughts and demands a better response, but inarticulateness has got the better of me.
Later.
“
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@taotesan
I agree that the subject is much deeper than the few words I shared in this thread.
I was struck by the quote you shared:
“the pathology consists of the past invading the present in re-experiences and re-enactments, and of the person’s efforts to defend himself from the consequences”.
As a Black person in America, I have seen and experienced the past invading the present both externally (through state violence, structural racism and daily microagressions) and internally (through witnessing family and community violence, dealing with personal fears and anger and facing limiting beliefs.
Taotesan, the questions I posed were rhetorical and points for reflection. No real need to answer them in this forum. I just think about them quite a bit.
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@michaeljonbarker
I have a question and a comment.
Over the years, I have noticed that there are two commenters who use similar handles: michaeljonbarker and Michael Jon Barker.
Are you one person who uses both or are you an entirely different commenter than the commenter, Michael Jon Barker?
Your story about your extremely religious and abusive mother sounds similar to posts and comments I read on a blog called No Longer Quivering. It was started by Vyckie Garrison to tell the story of her “escape” from the Quiverfull movement. Quiverfull is an extreme Christian Patriarchy movement that is centered in the Midwest and South. Even though NLQ bills itself as “a gathering place for women escaping and recovering from spiritual abuse.”, I find a fair amount of men contribute to the comments, too. Their stories can be just as terrifying as your story about your childhood.
I also find in the articles and comments, that what they call ‘spiritual abuse’ also has strong physical, emotional, financial and sexual dimensions. I guess abusers can’t help but run roughshod over others in multiple areas.
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@ Afrofem
On this blog I’m the same commenter. On my phone it signs me in on word press. On my computer it’s signs me in on my FB account.
I’m not familiar with the blog you mentioned. If a MJB posted on their it’s likely to be someone else. I use my middle name because their are 100’s of Michael Barkers on FB. I’m comfortable using my real name instead of a handle but I fully get why others have to use handles because of work, family ect.
I do follow Victoria Reynolds who escaped from LDS religious polygamy which seems simular to the Quiverful movement that the blog you pointed too speaks about. http://victoriareynolds.com/inspiration/speak-your-truth/
The first time that I understood what love was, was when my first child was born.
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This thread is really old but I just stumbled on something a while ago and seeing this in “recent posts” reminded me. There was a study referenced among the Journals of the Royal College of Psychiatrists (UK) which claimed that most domestic violence is reciprocal and, when it isn’t, the women are more frequently the violent partner.
http://pb.rcpsych.org/content/35/1/33.1
“Morgan et al1 highlight the high incidence of being a victim of intimate partner violence among female psychiatric patients in the UK. This is in keeping with a historic approach that has conceptualised domestic violence as something that men do to women and has only sought evidence for violence by men against women.
Partly this may be because women are more likely to report intimate partner violence than men. One study found that in the same sample of couples 28% of the women, but only 19% of their male partners, reported that their relationships were violent, suggesting underreporting in a third of men.2
In recent years researchers have approached populations without preconceptions as to the direction of violence. Large epidemiological studies have demonstrated that domestic violence is most commonly reciprocal and that when only one partner is violent there is an excess of violent women. Whitaker et al, in a study of 14 000 young US couples aged 18-28 years, found that 24% of relationships had some violence and half of those were reciprocally violent. In 70% of the non-reciprocally violent relationships women were the perpetrators of violence.
[…]
Archer attempted to resolve two competing hypotheses about partner violence, either that it involves a considerable degree of mutual combat or that it generally involves male perpetrators and female victims. His meta-analysis of 82 studies of gender differences in physical aggression between heterosexual partners showed that men were more likely to inflict an injury; 62% of those injured by a partner were women, but men still accounted for a substantial minority of those injured. However, women were slightly more likely than men to use one or more act of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently. Younger aged couples showed more female-perpetrated aggression.
Only examining rates of violence perpetrated against women risks perpetuating an inaccurate stereotype of women as victims and men as aggressors. This may hinder women from receiving support to reduce their own perpetration of violence and may contribute to the underreporting of violence perpetrated by women against men.
”
So according to this, in mutual combat the female partner was more likely to be injured possibly reinforcing the impression that the men are more violent. However, the study also claimed that the women were the violent partner in 70% of the non-reciprocally violent relationships. That would suggest that “husband-beating”, wherein the partner who doesn’t fight back is male, is more common than wife-beating! That contradicts the notion, probably held my most of us, that men beat their partners a whole lot more frequently than women do.
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You may be interested to learn about postcolonialism. It suggests that violence and control are symptoms of a colonial society, whereby it is applied to the means of reproduction as a method of ‘genetic defence’. This would explain why abusive people (who abuse partners only) rarely abuse their parents or siblings.
Perhaps society should minimise labelling by gender (as per above comment), and consider why people sanction the use of violence in any relationship.
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There black is an option
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I have been with the same man for 17 years. We got divorced to be with each other. After 2 months of my breast cancer diagnois and on chemotheraphy he beat me up, threw my body around and hit me in the head after a silly argument. He never raised a hand to me before. I am in shock that another human could do that to a 60 year old chemo patient. That was December 8, 2015. Did it again September of 2016 outside on a walk. I took pictures and called his family so that somebody knew his abusive side. He was married 2 times before and had physical fights with his exwife. She fought back. I did not knowing I do not have the strenght to stop or hurt him. I always thought she was the violent one but now I quietly sympathize with her. I did everything for him and now I got sick and could not do everything for him any longer. I think this pissed him off. He is also very jealous. Even if a old plumber comes to the house to work. If I called the police he would lose his job and the house we live in because his employer owns it. I am now “one of those stupid ass women”. I can’t believe my life is like this now during my illness and at my older age. Good God!!
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Infact, am in such relationship now in nigeria. I don’t know what to do.
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If what you say has any substance, then why do a good many wife beaters eventually kill their wives?
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By the end of my third marriage I’ve learned to understand the wife beaters and how to be compassionate with them. Violence means lack of trust, and without trust, no marriage would work.
The book was also translated into Russian and used as one of anti-masculine rhetorical tools among the local feminists. The thing is, however, that the book is about how women perceive the violence within a couple, not how men see it or how the wife beaters see their situations.
The term ‘abuse’ is also a way too controversial, because it’s often used as a tool for manipulation suggesting that the users of that term really know what ‘the correct use’ or ‘true love’ is. Thus, they’re trying to empower their position as that of ‘experts in real love’,
A woman would always keep what she wants as a top of her desires and hardly, if ever, think of others’ benefit in a way different from instinctive impulses. In fact, to consider a woman’s wish as equal to a man’s wish is same to regarding own benefits to the benefits of others.
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it stops with me!
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I can tell you my husband was abusive. He was one of three brothersvand they all have issues with rage. Their mother , my mother in law from what I was told by my husband was very abusive she slammed my husband’s head in a toilet seat and demanded he licked the per off seat at 5 yrs old and threw a butcher knife at him toed him to a chair, she was angry with me for not choosing to spank my 2 year old she wanted me to smack him in the mouth until he bled she said, they all enjoy making others pay, hurting others.. So I can say abuse as a child has to play some part. My husband and his younger brother are pathological liars as their mother is as well. Everything is everyone else’s fault and they can do no harm. If you do not do things their wayvyou are an outsider and not worthy being a part of them..tbey all keep secrets among eachother, even secrets about sex with their mom and keep from the wife. It’s normak mother in law says. I was treated like a queen at 14 to 21 when I was young pretty and dumb, bit just as soon as I wised up and put on weight or aged he had a line of other women waiting that only his brother and mom and friends knew about and of course it was justified, he lied and said I cheated, I abused, all lies to discard me because I’m now too old . Reaching out to my mother in law after having 5 children, HER grandchildren, she says she hopes I don’t have anymore kids and that I’m like a rabbit. Sick fucks.. It started off real real subtle.. Before you know it your ducked in and then being tossed out with the trash. Now they’re all happy with his new whore and acting like I never existed. How nice.
Real nice people in this world. They make a business of destroying other people’s lives just for their own benefit. Thank you soooo much! Karma is real.. That’s all I gotta say.
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Good article, I am starting a new website to help women defend themselves from this.
http://www.MONSTERCHIX.COM
Email me if you have a story to tell or can offer help
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This is one of the most logically incoherent articles I’ve ever read.
“None of these are true, at least not for most of them:”
“They have a weak conscience”
Do wife-beaters have strong consciences? I don’t think so.
“They have a hard time controlling their anger”
Are you saying that wife-beaters don’t have anger problems? Because, if so, that is VERY logically incoherent.
Also, I would like to see actual statistics to validate these claims, because this article doesn’t seem to accord with the majority of psychological consensus on the upbringing, habits, and mental states of abusive people.
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Is that an order?
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@Joel
I agree the wording of the post is awkward. There are absolutely studies that show the correlations between substance abuse and domestic violence along with other things in Abagond’s list. However, in the cases where those things exist and/or are true of the abuser, they are additional, coincidental factors.
Many abusers like to view themselves as victims (counter intuitive for sure, but it ‘s part of the psychology). The factors Abagond listed are not why they abuse their wives. Those things that society likes to point to and blame for the abuse are not actually responsible for it. The post goes on to highlight more about the things that are at the root of the abusive behaviors.
At least that’s how I interpreted the piece. As for finding actual statistics… google them dude. Its super easy to locate studies and statistics so you can form your own opinions.
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Am from somali, I really like you
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Dr Kola Kolawole, male Psychiatrist from Hamilton Ontario had been convicted of second degree felony, forcible sexual abuse, and third degree felony forcible sodomy… molestation of three juvenile patients at the ontario facility where he worked, and sexual assault of a highschool girl in a park. He destroyed my daughters life so much injustice in the world. Merry Christmas
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“Sarah
Dr Kola Kolawole, male Psychiatrist from Hamilton Ontario had been convicted of second degree felony, forcible sexual abuse, and third degree felony forcible sodomy… molestation of three juvenile patients at the ontario facility where he worked, and sexual assault of a highschool girl in a park. He destroyed my daughters life so much injustice in the world. Merry Christmas”
These are serious accusations, where’s the evidence for them? I couldn’t find anything on Google to corroborate your claim.
This guy could sue Abagond for defamation.
Abagond, pretty silly of you to allow that kind of accusation without knowing if it is true.
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she hit me on the head with a bottle last night, that stops with me too.
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i broke up with her, not feeling so bad now,
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This is very offensive! My son isn’t a woman beater he is a college student that goes to work part-time. I don’t care if you are black! You shouldn’t refer to black men as woman beaters. There are many more cultures that beat their wives more commonly then black man
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