Note: This post is mainly about physical beauty as seen from a man’s point of view (mine).
Female beauty makes the world go round. Without it none of us would be here. Men want beautiful women and women want to be beautiful and wanted. Some say that is unfair, that we should be better than that, but so it is. It is the way of the world. It is built into us as men and women.
In my experience, for a man to go after a woman, marry her and stay with her he has to love how she looks, he has to be driven out of his mind by it. Is he making her into a sex object, just a piece of meat? Not in this case. It is how men fall in love. It is part of boy meets girl.
A woman wants to be wanted – physically wanted. Whatever her high talk about objectification and all that. She wants more than just friendship from a man, she wants more than just plain sex even. She wants to be wanted.
What women think is beautiful is different than what men think is beautiful. Compare the women in Vogue or Essence to those in Playboy, Maxim or King. Men do not care that much for fashion, for shoes and handbags. They look mainly at the figure and the face, the hair and the eyes.
Beauty is more than skin deep. As Sophia Loren, a great beauty in her day, once put it:
Beauty is how you feel inside and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.
Different men have different ideas of what is beautiful, of what they like in women. That is why there is no single, universal idea of beauty that holds for all men in all times and in all places.
The idea of female beauty pushed by America, especially through its film and fashion industry, is hardly universal or natural or shared by all men. You only have to look at old films and magazines from the 1960s and 1950s to know that. Or just ask any ten men.
The two dangerous things about the American idea of beauty:
- It is unnaturally thin. So thin that most women are prevented by the frame of their body from ever getting that thin, no matter how much weight they lose. This leads to anorexia for some.
- It favours the white race: most black women are not that pale and thin; most Asian women and even many black women do not have eyes that round; and only white women – and not even most of them – have naturally yellow hair. All this can lead to self-hatred among women of colour – and, among white women, a constant discontent.
While it may be natural for the white men who work in the film industry to like white women and for fashion designers to like women with coat hanger bodies, they affect how women all over the world feel about themselves.
See also:
Nice Uwe Ommer pic. I love his work.
I used to know a woman who was a niece of Anais Nin. She was thirty years my senior, but was my sage and advisor on all things related to girlfriends and relationships. I was commenting, when my son was an infant and my wife and I were exasperated and exhausted from his sleeplessness, that God makes babies cute to keep parents from throwing them out. She replies, “And God makes teenage girls grow hips and breasts so men will want to mate with them.”
I have seen similar statements from evolutionary biologists. There is no biological reason, for example, for human females to have prominent breasts even when not nursing. This isn’t the case in other mammals. The only reason is evolutionary — the breasts successfully attracted mates and thus became the norm.
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You almost touched on a point I feel is the reasons why a lot of marriages fail.
You talked about women wanting to be desired. And your right…we want not only to be loved…we want desire..longing..want.
The problem is – most men only want what they do not have. I can use a new vehicle as an example – but pretty much anything a man lusts after will do. They want that car, they look up stats on it, talk about it, look at pictures of it. Then finally – they have the car. They buy accesories for it, lovingly polish it and buff out the paint…spend hours gazing at it. Then – i hear men say it all the time – the new wears off. Its the same car…they stil USE it and drive it and even like it. However, they dont WANT it like they did before they had it.
Soon their attention becomes focused on some other thing…because once a man has something, he no longer wants it.
And women see this and sense it, thats why even when a man is faithful to a spouse the women looks outside the relationship to another man. Why – because her husband or boyfriend may love her but he doesnt look at her the way men who havent had her look at her. Her new has worn off for him. And he may have no intention of “trading her in for a newer model” but she sees him looking at the newer models in a way he does not look at her.
And then – she sees other men looking at her. Responding to her movements like she was prey on the plains and they were a lion on the hunt. It excites her. And she wants to be wanted again – not just used (no matter how lovingly the usage is)
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well the way i see it is women want more than just a physical thing with men. they want to loved, cared for and treated with respect. but with most men, it seems that they want from a woman is sex. i understand that men likes that but there should be more to a woman than just her looks and how her body is. a lot of women don’t want men to look at her like some kind of meat, like you said but men are gonna look because that’s who they are. some don’t even know how to talk to a woman and when she rejects him, she gets called every name in the book and that’s wrong. i’m not saying it’s all men because there are some men that do respect women. with me i want a man that’s gonna want me not just for my body, but because i am a good and honest woman and i think that how most women feel.
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I have to say that while women like to be seen for their personality, women also like for their boyfriends/husbands to see them as the hottest thing in the room. I’m not talking about sex but like aba said, just feeling physically wanted as well.
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You can tell when a man desires you…Its there in their eyes and body language.
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i like this pic alot… nada like natural beauty
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I love it too.
As Blanc2 pointed out, that is a Uwe Ommer picture. He is a German photographer who is into taking pictures of naked, “exotic” women. Put in “uwe ommer” into Google Images and see:
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=uwe+ommer&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2
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Davida: that is an interesting way to look at it: women are like cars.
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Blanc2: I often wonder about how much of female beauty is true beauty and how much I am programmed to see as beautiful for my own genetic good.
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I met a beautiful women today. She was not trying to conform to hollywoods version of beauty.
She had huge dark eyes, thick dark hair she had in dreadlocks, amazing check bones with a beautiful golden undertone to her chocolate skin. She is very beautiful…she told me it took years for her to see herself as beautiful. I gave her your website and told her to check it out.
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That is too cool.
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I find this post both beautiful and disturbing.
Beautiful, because (unlike many magazine articles and theories), it speaks the truth. A woman wants to be wanted. Completely. Not just because she is intelligent and have a good sense of humor. Not just because she has a beautiful face and nice body. Completely.
If a man wants a woman- completely- than that’s it.
What I find disturbing, however, is:
In my experience, for a man to go after a woman, marry her and stay with her he has to love how she looks, he has to be driven out of his mind by it.
This is sad. Maybe it’s true, but I still find it disturbing.
And what about men? Don’t men want to be wanted, too? Or perhaps you think women wouldn’t really fall in love and marry a man just because they find him attractive and want him physically?
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Awesome picture.
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“In my experience, for a man to go after a woman, marry her and stay with her he has to love how she looks, he has to be driven out of his mind by it.”
Yeah, that is very disturbing and very superficial.
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oh Islandgirl,please dont think its disturbing. You have to understand, we are hotwired with so many things going on in the subconcious, men and women.
A man being struck by passion, I mean the deep passion with a powerful attraction , is what can be the flashpoint to lead to apreciating the other qualities of a woman. Sure its like a love struck crush, but, that is what opens the door to interests of the woman,wanting to take care of her and support her and aprecieting her qualities. Interests can change, but, the deep passion and attraction is a very powerful force and can really be the salve that can withstand lots of conflict.
Of course some men will only have the deep desire to only have sex on a temporaty basis, but, having your antenna up is important, you know that.
Yes, of course men want to be desired also, its very important.
This deep passion, if its really that deepest attraction, will diminish these factors someone mentioned about mens charactor. Its just that powerful, if its the real deepest attraction.They might look at another women (or man in a womens case), but, the deep passion will only make it a look. People usualy run into burn out in a couple of years, throw in children and it is mutiplied, but, that deepest of passion is what can get past the valleys, the hard tests, the obsticles of life…similar interests and aprecieting good qualities dont go as far…
Dont fight it, embrace it….
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Mira and islandgirl, ITA.
The kind of thinking expressed in the OP is why I stayed single for a long time despite having many suitors. Who wants someone whose love is based on something so superficial and fleeting? Luckily, my SO’s love is not contingent upon my looks “driving him out of his mind,” we connect in a way that is much more solid than that.
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Islandgirl
“Yeah, that is very disturbing and very superficial.”
Men and women think of love and attraction in different ways, I just read a book that said 90% of men would rather be respected than loved. It is because most men think of respect as love, the study showed men would rather their wives show them respect and admiration especially in public, than have them say I love you. I would fit into this profile as well, it is just how most men work. And as far as looks, we are more visual when it comes to attraction and sex. When a gorgeous woman walks in a room we almost have to look at her, whether we are married or not. A lot of women think this is hurtful and unkind, but it is not, it is just biology. And this book was written by a Christian women, She said the studies they did really open up her eyes to how men think and function psychologically, and she stopped looking at it as just superficial.
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Ó Dochartaigh,
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn? I just got through reading that book. If women would believe half of what Feldhahn espoused in that book, they would conclude that men are not worth half the trouble. It’s also degrading to men, portraying them as being essentially animals with egos more fragile than china. That she is Evangelical Christian is quite obvious as her views on “what makes a good wife” are taken straight from the Bible, undiluted and unmodernized.
As she also acknowledged, many of what she said could apply to women as well. For example, love vs. respect. To me, there is no difference. If a person does not respect me, they do not love me. I’m sure many other women would say the same.
The “men are more visual” line is nonsense, as recent research has suggested; women are just as visual as men. Much of what is said to be biologically determined is simply the result of patriarchy and socialization.
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Well most of what was written was based on statistics from men and how they felt, so unless they lied about the statistics, like you said she is a Evangelical Christian so I would not be surprised, then what men are saying they feel is probably true.
“For example, love vs. respect. To me, there is no difference.”
Well there are way more women in the world who stay in abusive relationships then men. So I would say the love respect thing is not the same for most women. I can not even name all the women I have known that stay with an abusive spouse, because they “Love him.”
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Natasha W
“The “men are more visual” line is nonsense, as recent research has suggested; women are just as visual as men.”
That may be so, I just read not to long ago that women are more likely to cheat on their significant other, than men.
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Ó Dochartaigh,
Well most of what was written was based on statistics from men and how they felt, so unless they lied about the statistics, like you said she is a Evangelical Christian so I would not be surprised, then what men are saying they feel is probably true.
I have no doubt that the men were giving their true feelings. I just don’t agree with the idea that they are somehow “hardwired” this way and women should accept that. She could have just wrote “boys will be boys!” and been done with it.
Well there are way more women in the world who stay in abusive relationships then men. So I would say the love respect thing is not the same for most women. I can not even name all the women I have known that stay with an abusive spouse, because they “Love him.”
Most women are not in abusive relationships. So you can’t draw conclusions about what most women think based on that.
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Natasha W
Most women are not in abusive relationships, but more women except disrespect than men, statistics prove this. So I would say respect is not quite the same for women compared to men.
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteredwomenstatistics.html
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Ó Dochartaigh, I got that. Some women are in disrespectful relationships (whether they recognize these relationships as disrespectful is a different issue altogether). However, that does not prove that most women have no need to be respected in relationships. Any man who believes he does not have to respect his partner while in a relationship, just “love” her, is digging his own grave.
This Venus-Mars stuff gets downright tiring.
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Natasha W
I agree not most women are abused, but I think it says something about the personality of Men vs Women. Anyone that thinks that male and female hormones don’t have any effect on how we think differently is more than just a little wrong.
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Ó Dochartaigh,
Because some women are in abusive relationships, that says something about the “personality” of women as a whole? Since when? Come on; I know even you don’t believe that. Some men abuse their wives… does that say something about the tendencies of men as a whole?
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Natasha W
It shows that men are more aggressive and willing to commit violent acts, which statistics also prove.
“Compared to men, women are more likely to refrain from crime due to concern for others.”
A quote from Darrell Steffenmeier Department of Sociology and Crime.
http://law.jrank.org/pages/1253/Gender-Crime-gendered-paradigm-female-offending-gender-gap.html
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“Domestic Violence occurs in 60% of marriages and is the most under reported crime. Most crimes are committed by men.”
National Crime Statistics Report 1993
That is more than just “some” women.
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Okay… Ó Dochartaigh, I see you’re one of the aforementioned “Venus-Mars” proponents, no wonder you found Feldhahn’s book to be anything more than a good doorstopper. I have a degree in Biology with Honors, I know plenty about hormones and their effect on human behavior. But if you insist, we can conclude that women are masochists and men are abusive. Lol. Nothing else needs to be said here.
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What is your opinion on why Men commit violent crime over women? Also what field did you study? I’m an undergrad, studying Evolutionary Biology, Zoology, but mostly Ornithology.
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Natasha, I will agree that women have the same desires and passions as men. They will look at a handsome man in a room as much as a man will look at a beautiful woman.But I dont think we can discount these “hardwired” elements in both of us.
I guess there are a million differant stories for a million relationships.
I also guess that plenty of people get married for passionate reasons and they fall apart after a while.
But I also guress there are some relationships that stay together exactly because of great passion
so, Islandgirl, I guess I was only speaking from my personal experiance not some general statement how men and women work
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Actually, I don’t think men and women are that much different. Not at all.
I don’t believe men have stronger urges and desires. I hate when men say it’s “natural” in a way it’s different for them than for women. Some guys say- look at the animals, males chase after many females and are unable to be faithful. But if you do look at the animals, females are not faithful either, many of them will mate with as many males as they can during the mating season, or they will pick the strongest male. So, if we take a look at the animals, women should not be expected to be faithful because they want to sleep with better and better man each time. Or that they want to sleep around, like female cats.
This makes no sense. Women have urges and desires as well, you know. It’s the culture that says men are expected to chase many women and women are expected to be faithful. It’s the culture that make men want to be respected and women to be loved. It’s the culture that make women want to be desired and men to “just have to look at a hot woman” on the street.
I am not saying male and female sexual strategies are the same, after all, there is something about biology (it’s not all about the culture), but I do think that many things are cultural and therefore can be changed or adjusted.
As for love vs respect, I don’t think love is possible without a respect. On the other hand, you can respect people you don’t really love. In that way, yes, I am more for love, because it’s about respect as well.
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B.R.,
There is nothing wrong with being visual, shoot, I am very visual. But it becomes dangerous when that is the primary reason to stay. I’m with Natasha. I was single out of apprehension about this. The best way to meet a guy is when you are looking your absolute worst. That’s how I met my last boyfriend (baseball cap, worn t-shirt, ect). Then you know they are not just interested in looks.
It’s disturbing that some men think that way because what if your SO changes physically in some way through no fault of her own? Will your desire to be with her be any less?
Mira,
I absolutely agree with you.
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To Mira – you said, “I don’t believe men have stronger urges and desires. I hate when men say it’s “natural” in a way it’s different for them than for women.”
I admit – both sexes have ‘urges’; however, men are going to have more urges, more frequently due to their natural levels of testosterone. It has been shown that women with higher or elevated levels of testosterone also experience a stronger urge to have sex. Conversely, men with lower levels of testosterone have a marked decrease in their sexual drives.
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@islandgirl
The best way to meet a guy is when you are looking your absolute worst.
That may seem like a bad strategy, but I must admit it works. It’s not just about men, either. Being “attractive” requires work and energy (to find a proper outfit, makeup, hairstyle etc). Some women (me included) find that exhausting rather than amusing. Some women are more relaxed when they look “their worst” (in terms of clothes, makeup etc), and it shows. Of course, that doesn’t work for all women- some women are relaxed when they look their best and I respect that. Still, I know I am more relaxed when I don’t try to hard to look good, when I don’t even think about it.
@ColorOfLuv
??? Are you sure it’s that how it works? For men, perhaps, I get it, testosterone is a male hormone. But for women? Women have their own hormones. I always thought that they are responsible for sex drive in women, not those little bits of testosterone. That’s why female sex drive changes during the course of the month. Many say it’s on their highest during ovulation- which makes perfect sense. On the other hand, many woman say they experience increased sex drive just before the menstruation- which make no sense whatsoever.
I do agree level of hormones is important when it comes to sexual drive. That’s one of the reasons some women who are on contraceptive pills report decrease in their sexual drives (their body think they’re already pregnant). Which, on the other hand, makes no sense, since many pregnant women report increased sex drive (to the point their partners find annoying).
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Ó Dochartaigh, like I said, socialization can account for many differences. But as it turns it out, studies have shown there is little difference in aggression between genders when individually studied. The best study I know is Averill’s Anger an Aggression.
Specifically, I studied Molecular and Cellular Biology, and Biochemistry. Can’t say I have any particular interest in Zoology, but my SO’s father is a zoologist and I admire his passion for the field.
Mira, truth — no respect, no love.
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Definitely! Its much more than breaking it down into testosterone. There are so many different factors. As you mentioned, “ovulation”, etc…
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ColorofLuv, for sure testosterone can increase sex drive. However, sex drive in women is naturally increased or decreased by levels of progesterone.
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I hear you Islandgirl, about meeting one of your past boyfreinds in jeans and shirt. I guess Im saying that deep physical attraction cuts through superficial make up and clothes.
And I understand what you are saying about what if the apearance changes. In another post I mentioned I saw my first wife dancing and I was enthralled. When we hooked up and it so happened that her breasts were suckled from having kids, it didnt alter that deep essence attraction . There was something way past just superficial into a deep essence thing. And thats what cuts through. The women I have spent any time with and was in love with, I always imagined growing older and what they would look like. And things like how their eyes looked would be the same.
Im with you ladies about you all have just as deep desires and impulses as any man
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B.R.
“Im with you ladies about you all have just as deep desires and impulses as any man.”
I agree completely women are in no way inferior, their desires impulses may be just as deep but they are different.
Natasha W
Here are just a few articles on how science and biology have proven men think differently, and use their brain differently than women.
http://www.livescience.com/health/050120_brain_sex.html
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/article4175612.ece
Their are peer reviewed papers on this subject Natasha W, but I don’t have a subscription to Pubmed right now. So Natasha, as someone who has studied biology how do you account for the difference in brain patterns and even structures between men and women, and the fact that women are more likely to be assaulted by their spouse and less likely to commit violent crime?
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I still think many of the differences are cultural.
I am not 100% for nurture (in nurture vs nature “battle”), but I do believe many things we take for natural are, in fact, cultural.
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O’ Dochartaigh –
I may be able to grab some of the Papers you are referring to in PubMed from an alternative “private data source”.
Just let me know and I will check. Be sure to cite year, volume, issue, page numbers and title.
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I agree,Dochartaig, women have their own variation…
Islandgirl, why do I get the feeling that your essences would show through with you in jeans and a tee shirt?
Actualy , my essence test is a girl coming out of the ocean with all her hair wild and no makeup….
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Ó Dochartaigh, one can think “differently” and that does not mean one is biologically determined to think that way. You’re assuming that all differences in behavior and thoughts between women and men are biodeterministic, and I’m saying not all or even most of them are. But we can agree to disagree.
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Yeah, Natasha , I always was agreeing with how you put it
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Come to think of it, Im agreeing with what you said Natasha
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sorry i didnt think the post would come up so i posted again ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Colorofluv
Archer, J. (1996). Sex differences in social behavior: Are the social role and evolutionary explanations compatible? American Psychologist, 51, 909-917.
Archer, J. (2000). Sex differences in physical aggression to partners: A reply to Frieze (2000), O’Leary (2000), and White, Smith, Koss, & Figuerdo (2000). Psychological Bulletin, 126, 697-702.
Baumeister, R. F, Catanese, K. R., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Is there a gender difference in strength of sex drive? Theoretical views, conceptual distinctions, and a review of relevant evidence. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5, 242-273.
DeSteno, D., Barlett, M. Y., Braverman, J., & Salovey, P. (2002). Sex differences in jealousy: Evolutionary mechanism or artifact of measurement? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 1103-1116.
DeSteno, D. A., & Salovey, P. (1996). Evolutionary origins of sex differences in jealousy: questioning the “fitness” of the model. Psychological Science, 7, 367-372.
Eagly, A. H., & Wood, W. (1999). The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles. American Psychologist, 54, 408-423.
Hilton, N. Z., Harris, G. T., & Rice, M. E. (2000). The functions of aggression by male teenagers. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79, 988-994.
You don’t have to look these up, I’m just making a point that professionals have observed a “Sex Difference” in the way we act and feel.
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Mira
I agree culture plays a big part in how we act and feel, but cultures change, and the difference between how men and women react to violence and aggression has changes very little.
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Beauty is universal homie, the male’s (natural selection?) preference for feminie/youthful features coupled with a naturally higher sex drive makes it more than predictable. If men deviate towards other looks it’s because it’s the best they could do at that time. Ever heard of the brain between our legs? lol…
You can fall in love with just about any pretty girl that has a nice personality. That’s why men are essentially pigs (sexually speaking). Unlike women, resources aren’t as important from the opposite sex. 2 genders wanting different things is the reason why the mating game is the way it is.
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@ abagond
Most women want attractive men, too. Of course, we have different ideas of what’s attractive.
“I often wonder about how much of female beauty is true beauty and how much I am programmed to see as beautiful for my own genetic good.”
Do you believe objective beauty exists?
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@ Paige
Good question.
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