I wrote this in the heat of the moment. I was very bitter and angry at the time, so it is overstated.
Friday night at one in the morning. Just had an argument with my wife. A good thing she has to go to work tomorrow or it would have gone till six.
So now I know: we are not lovers or even friends. Certainly not equals of any sort. I just work for her. She wants everything done her way.
All she cares about is if I do what she wants. And if I do not do it fast enough, as fast as she wants, well then I am just an asshole who only cares about himself, attempting to take advantage of her.
Let us see. Here are the rules:
- I am not allowed get angry at her. Unless I am in the right and she is in the wrong, something she will never admit to. Ever. She says the next time I get angry without cause, she will blind me in one eye.
- I am not allowed to roll my eyes at her. That shows disrespect.
- Talking to her is completely one-sided. It is not a search for truth. It is about her threatening me bodily harm till she has me saying she is right.
If I did not already have children with her, I would be gone. In a second. Well, ten minutes. I really really regret marrying her.
She did not want to get our marriage right with the Church. Maybe it is just as well.
Yet I know that when a marriage breaks up it tears the children apart inside. Makes it hard for them to make lasting marriages of their own.
So somehow I have to stand my ground and make it right. Make the marriage right within and right with the Church. I do not see how it is going to happen. Back to prayer and fasting.
We need marriage counselling. She will say we do not have money for that. Yet we do have money to go to the other side of the world, we do have money so she can go to the Mediterranean with her friends. But we do not have money to mend a broken marriage.
It is so hard to talk to her. She does not want to hear the truth.
I was attempting to keep a schedule, and I will still go on with it as much as I can. I know I get a lot more done that way. But to her my getting to bed on time is just about me being an asshole, not doing what she wants, taking advantage of her.
She wants to have it both ways: she wants to manage my time yet point the finger at me when things do not get done.
But, you know, I doubt it has anything to do with that. It was just something she could argue about. I think it is her way of saying she needs it bad. And until she gets it, she will find one thing or other to argue about.
That must be it: this morning she was the complete opposite.
Sat Jan 20 07:21:10 UTC 2007
See also:
happy blog anniversary
I am very sorry to hear about what has been happening in your home but I’m glad to see yoou are willing to turn to God for a solution.
All the best.
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The photo you have of that lady (who is she by the way?), she is beautiful!!
Thank you for showing black women in such a beautiful light. Thank you for appreciating our beauty. You know, you have made me appreciate BW’s beauty even more. THank you! You have made me appreciate myself even more. Thank you. My heart goes out to you. I miss “feeling” “loved” too. Take care
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That woman in the picture is model Tamara Goodwin. She is part Belizean. She is beautiful!
Here is her website:
http://www.tgood.net/
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I am glad you take my appreciation in the right light. I get heat from feminists for objectifying women, as if I see black women only as body parts.
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Hello! I’m actually the woman in photo, and I happen to stumble upon this! I just wanted to thank you for all of your kind words! email me when you get a chance!
Tamara
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abagond: I know this is an old post. But I was wondering how you are doing.
My husband is very errr…. controling.
There is the right way to do things (his way) and and the wrong way (any way thats not his way).
We used to fight alot until I took the time to understand our difference. I did this two different ways. We both took the Myers briggs personality tests – I am an ENFP and he is an ISTJ – 100% opposite in how we approach life (the way we think, process data, everything)
The second thing that helped us was a love language book – it talks about 5 different languages of love. OR – how a person feels loved.
My husband – I can say things all day long, and he doesnt feel loved…I can touch him and he doesnt feel loved. Love for him is task orientated. If I love him, I cook his favoriate meals, remember to do things he asks, clean the house. Its actions that make him feel loved. I feel loved communicated to me through touch.
Understanding that we both loved each other but we’re speaking two different languages has really helped me. – now if only I could get him to listen and change his approach with me. Thats next – I got years still to work on him.
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Abagond,
Somehow I stumbled on your website yesterday. Very interesting posts and discussions about things that I’ve had to trust God to help me deal with more and more in the past 5 years or so that I’ve been living in the US.
Anyway, I know this is an old post but I was saddened by this and a few related ones. I so LOVE to see marriages that work. I know you’ve mentioned prayer, fasting and God before so I don’t know if you can appreciate what I have to say or not. But I think, if what you blogged about 2 years ago is ever still an issue it might be helpful.
First, based on the Bible, marriage is supposed to be a picture to the world of God’s love for His people. Christ and His bride. Sadly, today, many marriages only serve to mar and destroy that image.
Second, I honestly believe that none of us is able to properly love without receiving the power to love from God. He calls us to such high standards that we can’t attain but at the same time is the only one who can enable us to attain them. I think a lot of spouses realize that as it pertains to marriage and give up not realizing that it’s still possible but not in their own strength or abilities.
Third, my roomie and I recently watched a movie that is probably one of my new favorites called Fireproof. I was so encouraged by it. I loved the fact that the main character was able to love his wife (whom I thought was being just plain jerky) and further realize that he wasn’t able to truly and perfectly love someone so undeserving of his love until he understood that God did just that for mankind and trusted that He loved Him and through a renewed relationship with Him could enable Him to love His wife.
Anyway, you may have already heard of Fireproof and the principles that support it by now but if you haven’t and are still struggling, I think it’d be worth it to look into purchasing the Love Dare and asking God to help you to love your wife, change your heart, her heart and fireproof your marriage for Him. You can find out more here: http://www.bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/
If ever it would please the Lord to bless me with a husband and I was being unlovely and unloving to him (which I’m sure I would be at times), I hope and pray that He would be pleased to remind the man that loving me may be difficult but isn’t a task he will have to go at alone and that He will be glorified in that man emptying himself and trusting the Spirit of God to fill him with the love He needs to love me and strive for a marriage that honors Him. Sorry for the unsolicited advice but l trust that the Lord would be glorified in it.
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Thank you very much. I have heard of the Love Dare book but not the movie. Thanks. I will get it.
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Im the guy playing the trombone…..my wife is shorter than me ,younger than me,less educated than I, but sadly she is a mirror image of her psychotic mother.And she thinks she rules where I go,who I hang with,what I should think and say. Tonight while I was folding all the towels that the other half of my family use,she said “dont think that folding a few towels makes you a man”…..wow……thank God I didnt have an ax near by. She says I need re-hab,,,,I havnt had a drink in 3 years…..????? I also have children I must stay with….ooops gotta go….its her……..
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you have to wonder about people who put their trust in something they have never seen nor heard.Then look for answers in a book that was written by people that we have never seen nor verified their existence.And this book has been re-written over and over to suit the needs of pompous kings and wanna-be’s.If you cant tell right from wrong from whats in your soul and what youve learned from being on this earth then you should get some big spectacles,shut your mouth and pay attention to whats going on around you.I dont even know why I wrote this LOL
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