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Archive for the ‘domestic violence’ Category

chris-brown-picture-12There is no sure way of telling whether a husband or boyfriend will beat you, but there are certain warning signs to look for. Any one of these by itself might mean little, but several of them together is bad news (the same goes for wives and girlfriends, by the way, though this sort of behaviour is less common with them):

  • He looks down on his old girlfriends or wives.
  • At the beginning he thinks you are wonderful and perfect.
  • He does favours for you that make you feel uncomfortable.
  • He gets serious too quickly.
  • He says that if you truly love him you would sleep with him.
  • He is always checking up on your whereabouts.
  • He always seems to find bad things to say about your family, your friends, your clothes or your looks.
  • He disrespects you.
  • Nothing ever seems to be his fault.
  • He makes promises but does not keep them, almost as if he is doing it on purpose.
  • He kicks doors or throws things (you could be next).
  • He drives fast or wild when he is angry.
  • He acts nicer to you in public than in private, almost like he is putting on a show (he is).
  • He tends to go out with women much younger than himself.

If many of these sound just like him, then you should talk to the women in his past, if you can, and see what they say about him. If he has hit them, the day will probably come when he will hit you too. Do not fool yourself. It is how he has learned to deal with women when things are not going his way. Their past is most likely your future. Do not think you can change him, do not think you are that special to him – despite his words, you are not.

You should also seriously consider leaving him. That may be a hard thing to do, especially if you have children with him, but know this: the longer you wait, the harder – and more dangerous – it will become.

If he does any of the following he has already crossed the line into outright abuse even if he has not yet hit you:

  • He makes you feel physically afraid.
  • He threatens you.
  • He forces you to have sex.
  • He repeatedly keeps you from seeing family or friends.
  • He keeps you from going to school to better yourself.
  • He keeps you from pursuing your interests.
  • He makes you feel like an ant.
  • He gets back at you for complaining about his behaviour.
  • He denies his bad behaviour or blames it on you.
  • He makes you feel like you cannot do anything right.

How would you feel about a man who did these things to your mother? A man like this no longer sees his woman as his equal, as someone with a mind and a will and the freedom to use it. He no longer might be an abuser some day – he already is.

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rihannachris-brown_2A wife beater is a man who beats up his wife, who is physically violent against her, who abuses her. Men who hit their girlfriends or constantly put them down – abuse starts out first as just words – think the same way. So do women who do the same to men.

In this post I will use the term wife beater because it is a convenient way of talking about it and because most are, in fact, wife beaters. What follows comes mainly from the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.

Here are some things people think about wife beaters. None of these are true, at least not for most of them:

  • They had a bad childhood.
  • They have a hard time controlling their anger.
  • They are sick in the head.
  • They drink too much.
  • They do drugs.
  • They come from a poor family.
  • They are black (and blacks are supposedly more violent or find violence more acceptable).
  • They hate women or have had bad experiences with them.
  • They hold in their feelings too much.
  • They have a hard time at work or in some other part of their life.
  • They have a weak conscience.

Clearly some wife beaters are black or drink too much or whatever but it has little to do with why they beat their wives. If they stop drinking, for example, they would still beat their wives, though maybe not as much.

The root of their violence comes from how they think of themselves and their wives.

They think of their wives as:

  • Someone to control.
  • Someone to possess.
  • Someone whose duty it is to serve him – whenever and however he wants.
  • Someone who is not as good as he is.
  • Someone he can disrespect.

It does not come from how they view women generally or even from a weak sense of right and wrong. You can tell that because very few of them beat their mothers or sisters or would even dream of it.

Wife beaters do not love their wives. What they call love others call control and possession. Even their jealousy – and some act extremely jealous – does not stem from love but from a sense of ownership: she is mine, so no one else can have her. Keep that in mind!

The same goes for respect. The hitting and the constant put-downs comes from a lack of respect.

Much of what they say to their wives makes them sound angry or even not right in the head. But you cannot take everything they say at face value: they lie and make up stuff just to throw her off balance. Like when they say she is seeing other men.

They beat their wives because they can get away with it, because it is how they have learned to control their wives to get what they want. Because what they want matters so much more than what their wives want.

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