Does my narcissistic boyfriend love me?
No.
At best he is deeply in like with you, not in love with you.
Psychology Today on narcissists (in 2018):
“Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy.”
He may say he loves you and mean it. He may make you feel like you are loved and cared for, especially at the beginning (love-bombing). And he can certainly fly into a jealous rage. But, by definition, he does not even love himself, therefore he cannot love you either, not at more than a shallow level. At best you are a shiny new toy, a possession, an object, an extension of himself.
When your shine wears off or times get hard he will drop you like a rock – or cheat on you behind your back. Because deep down he does not care about you at all, just your use to him. His “love”, in the end, is self-serving and conditional.
He is not even all that interested in your love. Admiration, yes; soul-to-soul love, no way. As a narcissist he prefers control to closeness. He sees letting down his guard as weakness – and a threat to the false self he has built his life on ever since childhood. There is no sharing of souls – because his soul is damaged and he will never show it to anyone. It hides behind not just his false self but a zillion defences.
Narcissistic girlfriends: About 25% of narcissists are female. Your mother might be one. No joke: If you are with a narcissist there is more than a passing chance one of your parents is one too.
No cure: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the most extreme form, is pretty much incurable in the early 21st century.
Echo and Narcissus (via PsychCentral).
Narcissus: Narcissists are named after Narcissus, a figure of Greek myth who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. It was not even the real him but an image. Narcissists sometime during childhood learned that their real selves were not lovable, so they learned to present a false self, a front, an image, to receive love. Therefore they “love” you only to the degree you help make that image look better.
Some red flags that your boyfriend might be a narcissist:
- He is mean to people and makes excuses for it.
- He is easily offended.
- He gaslights.
- He likes telling other people what to do.
- He thinks he is better looking or more intelligent than he is.
- He puts down other people.
- He assumes everyone is stupid.
- He feels entitled.
- He feels underappreciated.
- He is a bad loser – and a bad winner.
- He is either the hero or the victim in his stories. Nothing bad ever seems to be his fault.
- You are always making excuses for his bad behaviour.
Note: I am not a psychologist, so this post is just food for thought, something you might want to look into further if it seems to apply to you or someone you care about.
– Abagond, 2019.
Sources: Psychology Today (2018); “Narcissistic Lovers” (2007) by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble, M.S.; and on YouTube: Doctor Ramani and Angie Atkinson.
See also:
- narcissistic personality disorder
- gaslighting
- co-dependency
536
Narcissism and gaslighting. All these symptoms sound like the insanity of Trump.
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@ Mary
Trump is a narcissist all the way.
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I am suspicious of psychology, in general, viewing it as a tool of the system [the global civilization] to localize the effect it has on the human psyche to the individual while absolving itself of responsibility. Recall that slaves were accused of being afflicted with “drapetomania” for wanting to escape from hellishly oppressive chattel slavery. The individual was blamed for what was a perfectly reasonable response to his environment so that the system would not be questioned.
I think we can agree that projecting an “image” (with its implicit power to deceive) is something we are all encouraged to do in this world and anyone who is too open and unfiltered will be viewed as unsophisticated or even stupid. The culture is also replete with many historically stigmatized groups who have even “passed” as a members of another group to avoid harassment or discrimination. The same system which makes such strategies pragmatic also creates the environment for people it later brands as narcissist to grow and thrive.
Trump is one possible response to growing up as a white man within the global culture resulting from European colonization of the planet. It is a response that is natural within the context. I don’t think he is entirely responsible for his character because if he grew up in a culture which discouraged an outcome such as him he would not have been rewarded with wealth and the highest office. Psychology, by giving him a negative label such as “narcissist”, acts as the PR arm for the total system by essentially disavowing the role of the whole culture in creating and nurturing Trump or any of its other selfish “leaders”.
I’m reminded of a passage from the book Yurugu and I’ll include a pretty lengthy quote afterward. It rings true to me. The culture encourages cutthroat selfishness and its structures demand such at impactful levels (eg. within the economy) despite any flowery rhetoric to the contrary. It is a competitive anti-society in which the members do not feel welcome (or loved) unless they “win”. In fact to be called a “loser”, which the majority of people must necessarily be, is a big insult. This results in a sense of alienation that makes “mass shooter” another possible outcome; the reverse of the coin that has Trump on the obverse side.
I’ll include the quote from the book in a following post.
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Here’s the quote.
Note that when the author says “European” she’s not talking only about people geographically located there but any member of the generalized culture wherever they are.
So does Trump live as a wealthy real estate magnate and President of the most powerful country in the world because he operates in a way that his culture implicitly disapproves of? Obviously not! He was selfish and boorish in all the “right” ways so he became a successful businessman. He had a popular TV show that embellished his material success and he became President because millions wanted him to. But when, predictably, he’s a naked disaster in a public role the clean-up crew says he’s a narcissist and it’s all on him. He may be a narcissist but it’s definitely not all on him. What he is was enough to make him a “winner” in his culture. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t know when to quit.
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I have been reading your blog for years. I love your posts but today it really spoke to me. The only thing missing from the title is my first name because it sounds like you are literally speaking to me. I am dating this person in real life. Thanks for mentioning there is no cure.
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You should do one on narcissism’s mirror twin. Borderline personality.
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