Disclaimer: This is a parody of White American racist thinking.
Are you racist? Take the test!
- Do you use the N-word?
- Do you hate people of other races?
- Do you have false beliefs about other races?
- Do you belong to the Klan or other racist organization (the Republican Party does not count)?
Scoring: 1 point for each “yes” answer.
- 0 points: You do not have a racist bone in your body! Congratulations!
- 1 to 4 points: Every bone in your body is racist.
But wait, if you are racist, there is hope!
Follow these seven easy steps:
- Stop having false beliefs about other races. Only believe things that you believe are true! If you are not sure if something is true, use Google to find a statistic or scientific study that supports what you want to believe. Confirmation bias – it works!
- Tip: If most White people believe something, then it has to be true. They have never been wrong about anything.
- Remember: White is right!
- Make excuses for using the N-word. Black people use it all the time, especially rap guys and Black comedians. It sounds completely the same coming from White people.
- Watch Fox News. They are masters of being racist without seeming racist. CNN is almost as good – well, maybe better because fewer people think they are racist. If you are into US history or biography, read about Richard Nixon and George Wallace: Wallace, who lacked subtlety, did it wrong; Nixon did it right – and became president! Nixon’s media adviser later founded Fox News.
- Remember: What counts is not whether you are racist, but whether you seem racist. Just ask Don Sterling.
- Drink Diet Haterade. Instead of hating other races, pity them or look down on them. That is what upper-middle-class White people do. Practise talking down to them. You still get to feel superior to other races but without seeming to be racist.
- Practise moral relativism. Compare yourself to someone more racist. There is always someone. Like your grandmother. Or the Klan. Or White people in the South. Or White people in the 1950s. Racism is not a matter of degree – it is all or nothing. So if you are not as bad as a known racist, you cannot be racist.
- Tip: If most White people say or do or say something, it cannot be racist.
- Remember: Only the most extreme racists are racist.
- Start all racist statements with “I’m not racist, but…” That makes it not racist! It is, like, a rule.
- Befriend someone of another race. One is enough. It is like a magic cure for racism. Marrying someone of another race is even better: it will make it impossible for you to ever be racist!
If people of other races still think you are racist, then they are oversensitive or have a chip on their shoulder. What else could it be? Make it all about your feelings while dismissing theirs. How dare they think you are a racist jerk!
– Abagond, 2014.
- The non-parody version:
- Applicable tropes:
- Don Sterling
- Fox News
- What the racism of most living White Americans is like: