Native Europeans

Colours show tribes, lines show chiefdoms. Blue for Romans, green for Nazis, red for Commies and grey for the Lesser Tribes

This started as a parody of how some Native Europeans talk about Native Americans but it soon took on a life of its own:

ancient Native European jewellery

Native Europeans, also known as the First Europeans, European Chinese, White Chinese or just Chinese, are made up of the tribes that once inhabited West Eurasia. The three main tribes were:

• Nazis in the north, spreading to North America and Australia
• Romans in the south, spreading to South America
• Commies in the east, spreading to Siberia

The Lesser Tribes: Finns, Magyars, Basques, Albanians, Mormons, Etruscans, etc.

Unable to live in modern society most now live on reservations or in the mountains. Altogether 2.7 million remain.

Like the Mayans, they once possessed complex societies. They had urban centres, a form of writing, metal tools, some understanding of science and an agricultural surplus. Even though they seem backward and violent by modern standards, they once had what most experts regard as a true civilization.

They lived in boxlike dwellings made of wood and stone. They grew maize, wheat and potatoes for food. They domesticated cows and raised them for their milk, meat and hides. They ate chickens and pigs. They made cloth out of the cotton plant.

Physical appearance: pale skin, blue eyes, yellow hair. Their pale skin is why historians call them “white”. Despite their name the White Chinese are not directly related to the East Chinese.

The inscription says: “In God we trust – ONE DOLLAR”

Religion: Worship of the Almighty Dollar and his holy prophets Jesus Christ and King James. The Native European Year Count starts with the birth of Christ. Romans practised ritual cannibalism, a custom called the Holy Yoo-Kah Rist. Some, especially the Nazis, practised human sacrifice as offerings to Jenny Side, their bloodthirsty goddess of progress and civilization.

Man’s earliest known buttons were found among Native European artefacts

Contributions: plastic, the arch, explosives, the first man on the moon, buttons.

Notable chiefs:

• Nazi: Hitler, Washing Ton, Running Ray Gun, Henryford
• Roman: Columbus, Charlie Mane, Napoleon, July and August
• Commie: Ivan the Terrible, Groucho Marx

Urban centres: Cleveland, Roma, Londinium, Muscovy City, Hollywood, Nyc.

Archaeological sites:

Remains of Nyc. This building was restored by archaeologists.

Nyc: Remains of crude stone buildings (pictured). At the bottom of its harbour is a huge statue of a green Native European female. It is believed to be a statue of a goddess, most likely Jenny Side: her face is idealized, not that of a real person. In ancient times the statue stood not far from the mysterious Island of Bottles:

Island of Bottles: millions of plastic bottles designed to last a million years – yet they are empty! 

The Four Faces: Washing Ton, Henryford, Hitler, Lincon the Bearded

The Mountain of Four Faces: in the middle of North America the faces of four Native European males were cut into the side of a mountain. The first and last faces appear on coins from the same period, so all four are believed to be faces of important Nazi warrior chiefs, most likely Washing Ton, Henryford, Hitler and Lincon the Bearded.

Lincon Temple: This appeared on coins but its remains were not found till ten years ago near the Fallen White Obelisk.

The Great Hole of Siberia – an ancient diamond mine. The remains of a Native European village were found nearby.

No one knows what these are, but they are found in most Native European dwellings that date just before the Great Dark Age

– Abagond, 2012.

See also:

• Emerald Triangle Princess: Here’s a roundup of the maps of “North American indigenous territories” – why maps of Native America are so badly done
• Charles C. Mann: 1491 – especially the chapter on “Loaded Words”
• The lies you were taught about Native Americans
• ethnographic gaze:
  • The British – wherein I write about the British in the very same way I write about the Iroquois
  • Are the British human? – wherein I write about the British in the very same way a racist writes about blacks
  • The Chinese Invasion Experiment
  • Darkest Austria
  • Nacirema
  • The white ethnographic gaze: the 1960s – not a parody, unfortunately
• monuments:
  • Lincoln Temple
  • Jenny Side – statue, religious practices, related deities
• The Bottle culture