The following is based on bell hooks’s “The Issue of Self-Love”, chapter three of her book, “Salvation: Black People and Love” (2001):
For blacks in America there are few good, healthy models of love.
In the 1950s most blacks, being Christians, got their deeper ideas about love from the Bible: Love God with all your heart and love others as you love yourself. Love means being kind and forgiving. Love is the most important thing in life. Etc.
Great stuff but not what you saw in daily life, where making money or keeping a clean house were given greater attention. Worse, families were often loveless, some even violent.
Hollywood pushed a self-sacrificing model of female love of putting the happiness and well-being of children and husbands first. Examples: “Leave It to Beaver” (1957-1963), “Father Knows Best” (1954-1960), “Imitation of Life” (1959).
Many blacks still see it as noble, like in “Soul Food” (1997). But such women, while sometimes receiving gratitude or devotion, rarely received love in return. By always putting themselves last they did not love themselves enough to love others properly.
By the 1980s this model of female self-sacrifice was widely discredited. Having seen what became of their mothers, many black women went to the opposite extreme: living only for themselves and their own material well-being. The diva or bitch goddess model.
Most black men, meanwhile, had never been taught to love. Their model of manhood was to be hard, to never show their feelings, to never let down their guard. But women cannot be properly loved by such hard men.
It gets worse:
The black view of the world was now mainly informed by film and television, most of it created by whites and sell-out blacks:
We may be portrayed as funny, angry, sexy, dashing, beautiful, sassy, and fierce, but we are rarely represented as loving. … When black characters are affectionate and caring, they are usually directing that care to white folks. …
From Hollywood movies … we learn that black folks will betray each other; that black men will give their lives to protect white folks while showing little or no concern for black family and friends; that black women are hostile castrating bitches …. that if we dare to love one another, our love will blossom and not last, that suffering, more than love, is our fate.
Examples of film and television pushing bad models of black love:
- 1986-2011: “The Oprah Winfrey Show”
- 1989: “Harlem Nights”
- 1991: “Jungle Fever”
- 1993: “A Perfect World”
- 1993: “The Pelican Brief”
- 1994: “Crooklyn”
- 1995: “Waiting to Exhale”
- 1996: “A Time to Kill”
- 1996: “Independence Day”
- 1996: “The Long Kiss Goodnight”
- 1997: “Jackie Brown”
- 1997: “Men in Black”
- 1997: “Soul Food”
- 1999: “Green Mile”
- 1999: “The Best Man”
Examples of those with good models:
- 1974-1979: “Good Times” (if you do not count J.J’s cooning)
- 1979: “Killer of Sheep”
- 1984-1992: “The Cosby Show”
- 1997: “Sprung”
- 1998: “Woo”
Hooks advises, in addition to being careful what you fill your head with, to turn to your religion and its sacred writings about love as a guide to how to lead your life.
– Abagond, 2012.
See also:
Wow, very interesting blog entry.
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It’s truly sad that there have hardly been any films depicting a Black couple with a healthy relationship.
The self-sacrificing model of love has a psychological term: codependency. People allow their entire self-worth to be tied up in the care-taking of others and their lives. If they dare to think of themselves, they feel guilty and selfish. Yet, at the same time, they hold in a lot of sadness, anger and resentment of the people they take care of. Sadly, they often end up in relationships with dysfunctional people, believing their care-taking will `save’ that person and give them a better life. However, they end up being dragged down into `taking care of’ an abuser, a free-loader, an alcoholic, etc. Life gets a lot worse, not better.
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You are right Iris. To be honest with you, I believe that illuminati has a lot to do with it. There are a lot of things in our society that are portrayed to be a certain way, this stereotype is no exception. It up to us as individuals to not give in to the junk that the media plays, movies and television alike.
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I sometimes wish that Hollywood would just not show any images of Black people at all. I’d rather not see us at all than to be constantly bombarded with the constant negative images of us as a people. I agree with Hooks in that one does need to be very careful of what one allows into one’s head. For this reason I have stopped watching much t.v.; I haven’t had regular cable in almost three years now. I do watch some t.v. but not as much as I did when I was younger. Television sucks. Not just for Black people but for everyone.
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“Abagond@
Examples of film and television pushing bad models of black love:
1986-2011: “The Oprah Winfrey Show”
Abagond, You know you’re wrong for that, right 🙂
Leave Miss O alone, she was trying to ‘keep it real’ and make money at the same time.
And why did this one make your list:
1996: “A Time to Kill”
This movie highlited the love of a black father for his black child and family. I agree that the movie played up stereotypes of the south,
but Samuel Jacksons character was a man who showed love for his family to the point where he was willing to die for them.
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This post is similar to one I just did. I love this post. Hollywood is almost a blueprint for what people think about us. You also never see blacks as victims, especially black damsels in distress. Our femininity is often ignored or believed to be non-existent. I hate how they make a lot of Asian women completely defenseless and Hispanic women are cleaning ladies who don’t speak English! Hollywood is totally based off stereotypes when it comes to POC.
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“The self-sacrificing model of love has a psychological term: codependency. People allow their entire self-worth to be tied up in the care-taking of others and their lives. If they dare to think of themselves, they feel guilty and selfish.”
***********
I disagree that the self-sacrificing model always amounts to co-dependency. It’s my opinion that the societal/cultural pendulum has swung too far in the other (wrong) direction! You can get a good feel for any culture in how its families treat their children and older people (parents, grands, great-grands). Western culture warehouse their – loved ones (?) in child-care and nursing homes. They now pay others to do what we once did ourselves.
Western culture is so ME orientated, they can’t or won’t sacrifice their material comforts, well-being and selfish wants for the sake of what’s best/good for their children and older folks. So-called SELF-LOVE nowadays is nothing more that pure – me first, me second, me, me, me, me, me!
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What’s with this fascination with blaming everything on Hollywood? It’s getting annoying. Just turn off the TV every once and a while. Most film and tv is crap anyways
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What do people here think of “The Will Smith Show (forgot the real title)”, “Everybody Hates Chris”, “The Wayans My Wife and Kids”?
Living in Brazil, you cant beleive the “white wash”…Only now are they starting to put more black charactors in their novelas, it used to be like Switzerland or something…
In Brazil, you get to really see how the power elite who own the media are puttng their point of view out there, they get to be in charge of what kind of vision of people goes out over the airwaves
The USA, has got it down to a subtle science about how to make it feel like the media is you..or that they can spoon feed you what you really like so who needs anything else.
And, coming to the States to see the TV, there are a huge amount of black people on the media compared to Brazil, who has a much higher black population. Yet as we see, the images they are showing break down into negative images ifyou really analyse it…yet still, way advanced over Brazil
I think major media is owned by a few people and a few people make desicians about how the stories get told and how people are seen, and they are cut throat and back stabbing in the competition for ratings and they always go for the lowest common denomenator knowing that is where the money is
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Reed Between The Lines is a great example of a loving relationship and family. It also touches on important topics like natural hair and pornography. It stars Malcolm-Jamal Warner as the loving father.
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Don’t care about them you guys know who you are , but avoid falling in their trap and identify yourself through their illustration.
by the way who are they ? we can’s just say whites … I really wonder who is behind all this.
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I think a person can break down who “they ” are by just looking at the top 6 or 7 corporations that own the media, like Sony, Virgin, Universal , MGM etc….yes, they are not the KKK , its somewhat diverse….but , its a small amount of people who hold a huge amount of power and can have enourmous influence in trends , apearances, and forming the way people think
Its not so much a conspiracy , but, who owns the ball and who can get the ratings and corporate sponcership….and its cut throat competative and back stabbing real
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@ Abagond
TV is controlled by JJ Abrams, The Spelling Family, Sumner Redstone, Phillipe Dauman, Dick Wolf , the Goldwyn bros from MGM studios and a slew of whites…predominately Jewish males bent on pushing the agenda.
Blacks need to take back their own network and collaborate on ideas on how to fix their image. I fear it’s too late. Even the Apollo is owned by whites, that’s why it went downhill fast when they took over.
AmeriKlan’s plan is to destroy the black image/person/family. That’s why when Bill Cosby created his show, he was criticized as being “unrealistic” yet no one never said a peep about Leave it to Beaver, the Waltons, etc.
The power of propaganda is pushed heavily within the black community by Jewish leaders. Yet, if you say a peep about them, they come down hard on you and cry defamation. A la Mel Gibson.
Hypocrisy at its best.
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So true. I’m trying desperately to unlearn decades of misogyny so that I can give my wife the love that she deserves. I thank God for her patience and the few examples of Black love in my life, including my Pastor and First Lady of my church and Barack and Michele, the First Lady of our Nation.
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Unfortunately, one cannot simply turn off the TV and *poof*, everything goes away. If everyone in society did this, then that would be a valid point. People watch TV and they watch movies; that’s the reality of the situation. As long as this is the case, then those types of media will continue to cause problems. It’s not about blaming everything on Hollywood; it’s about acknowledging a problem before attempting to fix it.
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Excellent post, Abagond!
I’ve been thinking about this lately. My mother has always been the nurturing type. She takes care of everybody else and does very little for herself. It bothers me because people take advantage of her kindness.
@ Matari…I agree with you to some extent. Yes, some people are selfish in a way that isn’t positive. They are self-centered and they don’t care about others.
But at the same time, as Bulanik said, there should be a balance. One should be kind and compassionate but not to the point where you’re a doormat. Society expects women to be self-sacrificing all the time, especially women of color. It can be very draining.
My mother is Jamaican and in our culture women are expected to carry the burdens of others. We are obligated to do it all with a smile and without complaining. If somebody needs a place to stay, you’re expected to open your door to them. No matter how long the stay might be. No matter how disrespectful or untidy or unappreciative the visitor might be. Even if you don’t know the person that well. And it usually isn’t a one-time incident.
I grew up seeing my mother give and give and give some more to people who took advantage of her. I just don’t want to be that person. I’ve been down that road before.
So I guess it is best to put yourself first sometimes. Not in a way that hurts others, but in a way that lets people know you are human too. I can’t be of much help to others if I don’t take care of myself.
It’s like the analogy of an airplane going down…you need to put on your own oxygen mask and then worry about the other folks around you.
I don’t think it is good to be either too selfish or overly selfless.
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@Cinnamondiva
Society expects women to be self-sacrificing all the time, especially women of color. It can be very draining.
Draining – flippin ‘ell. People take the living p*ss. Really. People must be helped to ‘help’ themselves and occasionally, use people as a prop but also remember those who have helped you when you needed it. The reciprocation of kindness is the key – and also IMO one of the biggest failures in the 21st century.
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What is the point of self-love, when the point of modern consumer culture is to alienate, if not transform the Self? And just what is the Self? What do we consider to be the Self in the first place?
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@ Demerera…right? Can I hear an “amen”? So true.
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@Cinnamondiva
I wish there was a ‘like’ button on here at times 🙂
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This is a snippet from a blog I recently wrote that goes along with the Hollywood issue mentioned in this post:
The few media companies in the West are Clear Channel, CBS Corporation, Viacom, News Corporation, The Walt Disney Company, Time Warner, Comcast, Gannett, the Tribune Company, and the Washington Post. It must be clear that all of the major conglomerates and multinational companies are owned by white men.
Think about it: All of what you watch on small and big screens, read in newspapers and listen to on the radio are owned by one specific group of people – white males. This means that your media is distributed through the eyes and mindset of certain men who ultimately have the final say as to what gets produced and for whom. It is mostly the view from white males (and females) that gets broadcast into numerous homes all over the world.
Diversity in this sense is an empty word in corporate media. There are little to no thoughts, opinions or ideas coming from those who are not considered ‘mainstream’. The voices that do go through are filtered or censored altogether, and those that do must coincide with the mainstream’s point of view without opening a can of worms. Either that, or they must present an idea that fits with the continuous narrative of the West’s world of news and entertainment. Hardly anything new is seen, heard or read.
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@Bulanik & Cinnamon Diva
The “love” I’m primarily talking about is the sort of self-less love black American families once HAD for their young, old and extended family – cousins, nieces, in-laws and such. In those days when it was common/normal for 3 (or more) generations to occupy one household no one thought of that type of living arrangement as a sacrifice, though it was often, not always, exactly that.
—– “My mother is Jamaican and in our culture women are expected to carry the burdens of others. We are obligated to do it all with a smile and without complaining. If somebody needs a place to stay, you’re expected to open your door to them. No matter how long the stay might be. No matter how disrespectful or untidy or unappreciative the visitor might be.” —–
I’m talking about reasonable sacrifices. Not charity/love given to those who would misuse and mistreat those that give aid. In my personal culture people like that would be quickly shown the door. No one should be a doormat! However, the young, old and infirmed – is another story. Family SHOULD, imo, all pitch in to take care of their own.
Operative word — *SHOULD…*
And yet I realize that this is 2012, not 1962. A lot of families just don’t operate that way nowadays. There’s simply too many dysfunction/fractured relationships – and every man and women for her/his self, attitude.
If self can’t make sacrifices for another, can that individual really love another?
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Television does not teach people how to have bad relationships…
It doesn’t teach them how to have good ones either.
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@ The Cynic
Respectfully,
I think you really underestimate the power television (Main stream media, Hollywood, etc.) has on the collective mind (especially on a subconscious level).
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@ Peanut
you know what it bothers me that they NEVER show black couples making love in movies. They have no problem showing white couples making love, and sometimes they’ll allude to an interracial love scene…but they rarely ever can show black couples making love and when they do it’s always vulgar and violent…like black men are violent and can’t make sensual love to a black woman.
Peanut, didn’t you know only white people are capable of making love. Everyone else just…***ks!
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This is post is right on point.
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Abagond, there is one place in Hollywood where Black folks are allowed to be fully human: Science Fiction. Sad, but true.
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@HD
I am aware of the mainstream media’s influence. I do not deny its existence. I just think it’s stupid to believe Bill Cosby or other media figures control how a significant number of people approach and act w/in relationships.
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How did Crooklyn show a bad model of black love?
Also, is it wrong to allow a character like J.J. in television? People like him exist. Should the media completely ignore black characters who “coon” in an attempt to create a positive image of the black community?
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There’s simply too many dysfunction/fractured relationships – and every man and women for her/his self, attitude.
Absolutely! That is the way it is now. I am not young but not old either and not even talking about on the romantic level. The younger generation of black men and women are not even “FRIENDS” like my generation was. I think that the large number of OOW boys that did not grow up seeing their fathers love their moms had a huge effect on this.
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“I am not young but not old either and not even talking about on the romantic level. The younger generation of black men and women are not even “FRIENDS” like my generation was. I think that the large number of OOW boys that did not grow up seeing their fathers love their moms had a huge effect on this.”
**************
I think BOTH genders of our recent generations grow up WITHOUT seeing what viable LOVING/giving/self-sacrificing/forgiving/communicative RELATIONSHIPS looked like.
Kids without proper role models/guidance can’t do/replicate what they haven’t seen or learned.
How can they be even be “good friends” if they haven’t seen what real lasting friendships are??
If we don’t figure out a way to make our children our highest priority, our future as a people is bleak!
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“The black view of the world was now mainly informed by film and television” — abag
If you don’t like what’s on television then turn it off. I haven’t turned mine on for over a year. I don’t even have an antenna let alone cable or satellite.
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@ Duck
Not sure where you live, but at least in the States antennas do not work any more.
I barely watch television any more either. Aside from stuff like the Olympics it does more harm than good.
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@ Linda
The list is hooks’s, not mine. From what you say about “A Time to Kill” it seems to be good, but maybe there is something else in it that hooks objects to.
As to Oprah she said:
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@ The Cynic
Not sure about “Crooklyn”. I never saw it all the way through.
As to stereotyped characters: sure there are people like that and to that degree they should be shown, but no more. What is missing is the full range of black humanity. Instead you keep getting like the same six stereotypes over and over again. Whites are not shown in that way. Because they are viewed as just people.
Bell hooks and I and Peanut, I know, all hate how there are hardly any true black love stories on the big or little screen. That is a huge part that is being left out. I would rather see that than yet another J.J. or New York. And insofar as television and film does inform how blacks see the word, such a lack is damaging.
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Is the above supposed to be a f*cking joke? I mean , I spent half the afternoon laughing my ass off at this. Sunday, a man got beat with a spike heeled boot for asking for mangoes. In my housing scheme, Jehovah’s Witness are used by women as means of venting frustration. Never mind the half-dozen or so incidents I’ve personally seen of mothers chasing their son’s with knives and cutlasses. And don’t let me start on how I’ve seen some of these women deal with their helpers. Unless you’re speaking about some other Jamaican women, the generation that was born around the 15 years before Independence has to be some of the dumbest , most narcissistic black women in the western hemisphere.
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@ Matari…oh, I see. Thanks for clarifying. You’re talking about the destructive kind of self-love, more like being selfish to the point of not caring about anyone but oneself, right? What I was mainly talking about was people who are so giving to others that they don’t set boundaries. But I totally hear you and I agree with what you’re saying.
@ satanforce…Nope, it’s not a joke. It sounds like you’re referring to some low-class Jamaican women who will cuss and fight over little things. My mother was born before Independence and she is very demure. She was born in 1956. I would hardly call her “dumb” or “narcissistic”. What you are speaking of seems to be an issue of class and breeding. I’ve seen my mum get angry, but she is mostly a very gentle person. Most of the other Jamaican women I know are kind, gentle ladies as well. You will find loud, trashy, aggressive women in every group.
I know some women like those you’ve described but it isn’t fair to say that all Jamaican women of a certain generation are dumb and narcissistic. Sounds like you live in a ghetto or something, no disrespect.
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@ satanforce…there was a youtube video that made the rounds online a few months ago of a Jamaican lady cussing people out on a bus for something minor. Now she is the definition of what you described. So I’m not entirely disagreeing with your statement. I know that some out there definitely show their behinds when they want to.
But trust, many Jamaican women are lovely people.
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@Abagond
This is how I see it..
Black producers/directors/writers tend to depict blacks in entertainment as negative one-dimensional stereotypical beings.
White producers/directors/writers either completely ignore blacks or give them generic roles w/ absolutely zero depth. At times, they try too hard to be political correct and often provide an image of blacks that is so “perfect” that the blk characters often come off as mindless, generic, and overall lacking humanity.
I agree that the roles of blacks are often limited in Hollywood, however, not all of the imagery is negative. The “full range of black humanity” is indeed missing.
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What year did she migrate, if she migrated?
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Abagond:
Why are white folk so afraid of blackmen and blackwomen loving each other? Why i ask this question? Growing up watching tv back in the day, it was rare to see a black couple kissing or making love on soap-operas, dramas, movies, etc. I didn’t understand what was taking place at the time, today i do. In the minds of white folk, we want blacks to focus their sexuality toward our direction, especially whitemen. Yes, slavery is over, but we still own you blackwoman…the mindset of whitemen. Having control of all media allowed whites to shape and mold the psyche of black people, as it related to love and sex. Whites knew that blackmen were and still are effed up in the head, which made it so easy to pollute the black female/male bond on film and in real life. This is why i’ve never believed in the concept of (White Love). Whitewomen have been used by their own men to sabotage the unity of another race, thinking that it’s all about them when it’s not…Stupidity! It’s a simple concept to understand black people…when blackmen love blackwomen and vice-versa, the black race is stronger, the black family is stronger, the black population is higher, black political and economic power is higher, meaning, bad news for those that seek to control and exploit our race. The concept of “Eros” is what we’re striving to achieve here in the US and abroad. Black Love sustained us all these years, and it will be what saves us in the here and now. Blackwomen are much further along than blackmen, which is the problem. We gotta catch up to our women…Bottomline! Seeing us loving each other in media should be a common scenario nowadays, i would hope so. Not having fathers in the home, black children miss seeing their parents being affectionate or having sex by chance. Black Love has to be seen in the flesh to really appreciate the beauty of various shades of brown skin rubbing against each other, it’s a beautiful thing. Love and sex are important in black culture, always have been. Who invented the Kama Sutra in India, Black Folk? All of the exotic sexuality that we see in “The East” came from african people…Recognize! Ancient Egyptians were very much sexual and proud, Abagond, we need a post about Eros and Egypt my brotha?
Tyrone
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“Not sure where you live, but at least in the States antennas do not work any more.” — Abag
I spend most of my time overseas but I still have a house in the states. So I’m familiar with HDTV. The old antennas stopped working when stations switched. But you can still pick up broadcasts with an HD antenna. I took my old antenna down before the switch but still made an HD antenna. I figure it doesn’t hurt to have one around just in case.
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“satanforce,
And don’t let me start on how I’ve seen some of these women deal with their helpers. Unless you’re speaking about some other Jamaican women, the generation that was born around the 15 years before Independence has to be some of the dumbest , most narcissistic black women in the western hemisphere.”
“Cinnamondiva
I know some women like those you’ve described but it isn’t fair to say that all Jamaican women of a certain generation are dumb and narcissistic. Sounds like you live in a ghetto or something, no disrespect.”
Linda says,
Cinnamondiva, my mother was the same way–very giving. It might be the case of when Jamaican women immigrate. Back in the day, it was very necessary to have a strong link/network in the Jamaican community, that’s how we built up ourselves–financially and socially. So for sure, when someone comes up or is down on their luck, a helping hand is extended, even when it bordered on abuse–one hand washes the other and all that…
Satanforce, yes, plenty of Jamaican women are ‘rough’ and will tell you about your ‘blouse and skirt’ in a minute (and I’m one of them) but you can’t paint everyone with the same brush. I’ve never seen my mother or any female family members mistreat her/their maids or nannies. (unless she was sleeping with the husband of the house or stealing)
Not to say that the things you speak of did not happen in Jamaica but that is not a cultural thing and you know it–that is an individual thing or as Cinnamondiva said, a class issue.
I’ve seen a few educated black women marry into an uptown family and act more stoosh and facety than the husband’s mother/grandmother, putting down their own relatives who are poor.
People behave differently on the island than they do when they move to US, UK, or elsewhere offshore. Alot of things that people do in Jamaica changes once they leave because circumstances are different.
Like having a maid, who the h’ll can afford one in America at the wages these women demand. Once they find out how much they can make in US, you can’t pay them the same pittance as in JA–they know their worth 🙂
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I meant narcissistic in the cultural sens. They’ve just completely zoned out, and have basically used the schools , and nannies to replace the function that their own parents did for them. I don’t know, most of peers mothers are middle-class (public servants , middle management at a major company), so unless they’re married, they’re basically living from paycheck to paycheck. That can put a great deal of stress on a woman, but that still doesn’t give them the right to perpetrate some of these atrocities I’ve seen personally. Bu still, there seems to be something about our culture then]at engenders a certain callousness towards individuals, and ignorance anomie towards society
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“At times, they try too hard to be political correct and often provide an image of blacks that is so “perfect” that the blk characters often come off as mindless, generic, and overall lacking humanity.” — The Cynic
I saw an interview with Jimmy Walker a while back and he explained the reasons for this. The whole time Good Times was running black demagogues were raising h’ll because it was too ghetto. So when the show ended the networks made an executive decision not to take a chance on a program demagogues could use to stir up controversy. That’s why all the black shows today are mindlessly PC.You can thank Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for that.
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Why blame them? It’s the networks that ultimately made the decision. It’s not like the show did poorly in the ratings.
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SomeGuy
The networks aren’t the ones whining about it.
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@ duckduckgoofs
The networks aren’t whining about what?
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@ Linda…that was a really good point. I never considered that before. And girl, your use of patois makes me nostalgic! Oh, the memories.
@ satanforce…my mum came to the States in 1976. She actually flew down to visit my terminally ill uncle the other day. But your perspective is very interesting. I haven’t been to Jamaica since about 2006, so maybe my view is a bit different.
But when you say this: “there seems to be something about our culture that engenders a certain callousness towards individuals” do you mean that the women are like this or is it a problem with Jamaican society in general?
And your comment about nannies is an interesting one too. I would think that for Jamaican women who don’t have much money, a nanny would be a luxury.
The only Jamaican women I knew who had nannies were generally those who didn’t have to work. It was kind of a status symbol from what I remember.
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@cinnamondiva
Society in general. Before the revaluation of the dollar in the mid 90s, it was easier to afford a helper, but the high costs of living, combined with remittances (and let’s face it) dons giving away money in their communities, has made that a luxury fore every three months when your house is really, really dirty.
I remember a few months ago all the parents were outside waxing nostalgic about how when they were young they all used to fly kites and go outside and socialize and all that. I asked them why they had bought all their children the latest consoles and handhelds, and why one of their son;s was watching the x-rated cable channel in a family home. They screwed their faces at me, so I asked them why don’t they help their children make some kites? They mean mugged me some more, so I walked off. I knew the answer. They thought their children nuisances, so they outsourced their parental duties (which their own parents took pleasure in doing) to Playstation.
One of the best ways to turn your children into narcissists is to send them mixed signals socialize more, except when its with me. Then go play that damn game and leave me alone. Right and wrong are not absolutes, just conveniences.
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Yeah, that is very poor parenting…but definitely not unique to Jamaican society.
Lots of kids here in America (and maybe elsewhere) are plugged into social media because their parents can’t or won’t deal with the responsibilities of parenthood.
And sadly, depending on the neighborhood one lives in, it isn’t always safe for children to be outside.
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@ Matari
I never said the self-sacrificing model always falls under codependency, neither did I allude to US society/culture being too codependent.
In fact, I would agree that the US (along with other western societies) has a culture that breeds too much selfishness. People are too inconsiderate of others. Not only when it comes to families, but also to other people. For instance, walking on the street in many big cities in Europe you will get shoved many times, maybe have your feet stepped on or run over by a mother’s pushchair (or even a scooter), etc. It was such a refreshing feeling to walk down the streets of Tokyo amongst millions of people and to never be touched once. Or to walk down a crowded pavement in the rain and have complete strangers tilt and raise/lower their umbrellas to ensure you could both pass without knocking one another.
I think the problem partially has to do with money. If you have old, retired parents who were unable to save a lot of money for a pension, it’s unlikely you will ever have sufficient money to support them. Especially if you have your own child(ren) to raise. Today, most people need two salaries to raise one child. How much would they need to earn to buy a house large enough for two to four extra people (parents of both mother and father) and support every one of them? I know one family who does keep one living parent in their home. They are rich by many country’s standards.
Then again, now living in another part of East Asia, I would say the model where daughters and sons are obligated to care for their elders can present a different form of selfishness. I know families where adult children are bound to the family home because of the overall low wages and must always do the bidding of the parents. It does not matter if the parents were abusive, you’re an awful son/daughter if you do not help them and donate almost all your salary to helping them live the rest of their lives in luxury. These people had no childhood (no TV, no playing, no birthday celebrations, only studying) and now they hardly have a life apart from working to support their parents. I wonder if some do not get the feeling that the only reason they were born was to be slaves for their parents. After all, they have never been told `I love you.’
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“Iris
For instance, walking on the street in many big cities in Europe you will get shoved many times, maybe have your feet stepped on or run over by a mother’s pushchair (or even a scooter), etc.”
LOL, that’s so true…I’ve had a pint of cream snatched out my fingers in the grocery store in Germany by an old lady. I got a dirty look like I was the one who took it from her.
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“satanforce@
I remember a few months ago all the parents were outside waxing nostalgic about how when they were young they all used to fly kites and go outside and socialize and all that. I asked them why they had bought all their children the latest consoles and handhelds”
“Cinnamondiva@
Yeah, that is very poor parenting…but definitely not unique to Jamaican society.
Lots of kids here in America (and maybe elsewhere) are plugged into social media because their parents can’t or won’t deal with the responsibilities of parenthood.”
Linda says,
The Jamaican middle-class has grown since colonial times and I think the feeling of money and false sense of power, has also changed society somewhat.
As satanforce mention, the stress the Jamaican middle-class is facing are the same stresses that the middle-class in US faces but unfortunately, Jamaica cannot afford to continue being an “all about me” society like in US.
I see the same selfish behavior in the ones who’ve come to the US in the last 15 years–no respect for the groundwork that was laid by the earlier immigrants which makes their new life in US easy–they take things for granted.
Unfortunately, I believe, modern Jamaican society is suffering from “be like the Jones” syndrome — with so many people going back and forth between US and JA, they’ve brought back the bad habits as well as the trends.
As you say, the kids in America are all stuck to the Internet, computer games and TV. Jamaican parents all want to compete with their family ‘a foreign’, so they want their kids to have the same things like in US.
I swear sometimes I’m scared to go home because the LIST of things people ask me for are ridiculous…they don’t send me the money but they want me to buy electronic or computer items like it’s cheap (then get mad when I bring their kids shoes or clothes)
I remember when there was only one TV station and cartoons only showed on Saturdays… sometimes I miss the old days.
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@the cynic: I prefer the “perfect being” to a negative stereotype
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@Cinnamondiva: Just because a kid has internet access doesn’t mean their parents are dodging their parenting responsibilities. This is the 21st century, everyone uses the internet. It doesn’t mean that they don’t also do family things.. it’s not like people do family things 24/7
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@mochasister,
yeah! but that’s the point, they want us to think we’re incapable of love. that’s why we have to create our own models of how we want to be portrayed.
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