Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where you destroy someone’s faith in their own memory and judgement through a pattern of lies. Done long enough it can destroy their self-confidence, lead to a nervous breakdown or even cause them to take their life.
It is most commonly practised by men who beat their wives or are covering up an affair, but authority figures can do it too, like managers and policemen. White Americans use it to hide their own racism.
The name comes from “Gas Light” (1944), a film in which the husband tries to drive his wife mad in order to control her fortune. He does it in part by turning down the gas lights bit by bit over time and when she notices the house getting darker he says she is imagining it. The term has been used by psychologists since at least the 1970s.
The gaslighter does it to control others: if they doubt their judgement they will more easily agree with him and do what he wants. It also wears them down, which also makes them easier to control.
Gaslighting can be partly physical, like moving or hiding stuff to make someone believe they are losing their memory.
For it to work well on you, you cannot know you are being gaslit and you need a reason to give into the gaslighter, like fear of being alone or being fired. And it does not work right away – the gaslighter must stick to it and over time wear down your confidence in your own memory and judgement.
Some signs you are being gaslit:
- You constantly second guess yourself.
- You have a hard time making simple decisions.
- You feel hopeless and joyless.
- You feel like you used to be a different person – happier, more confident, more at ease.
- You keep asking yourself “Am I being too sensitive?”
- Despite all the good things in your life you are not happy and feel like something is terribly wrong but cannot say what.
Gaslighters make you feel like you cannot do anything right, that you are not good enough. You are always telling them sorry – while hiding their behaviour from others!
Because racism is also an abusive relationship, gaslighting can appear there too.
This is most commonly done by White Americans telling blacks that they are being oversensitive, that they are imagining things – trying to get blacks to doubt their judgement. The Anything But Racism argument can be gaslighting too.
To a degree it is hard to gaslight blacks: they can compare notes among themselves and see that they are not simply imagining things like whites say.
On the other hand, whites control what gets reported as news, as history, what gets seen as important and what gets overlooked. Not just about America or the world in general, but even about blacks themselves. And in that way they can gaslight blacks profoundly, making them doubt what they see and think and feel for themselves.
See also:
Excellent!!!
Well said, so how does one prevent themselves from being gas-lighted or gas-lighten?
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I get the impression that late capitalism is gaslighting us all the time.
So, given that, how would you be able to distinguish that general situation from more specific attacks?
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Wow. This is the first time I have heard about “gaslighting”; which is surprising for something that is so prevalent and everyday.
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Oh thank you, Abagond!!! I was hoping you’d do a post on this!
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“Gaslight” is an excellent movie. I’ve heard of the term before, but I would never have thought to apply it to racism and the way whites try to downplay it. That’s a very interesting take.
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When I saw the movie, I finally understood the concept. I believe Ingrid Bergman starred in the flick.
One of the reasons husbands were able to get away with it back then was because people believed females were like children.
A kind of gaslighting is showcased in the Angelina Jolie movie “Changeling,” also. It’s easy to gaslight someone when the law is on your side and you’re understood as “Rational.”
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I thought the term “Gaslighting” was coined by Robin Stern (after the movie, of course):
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-stern-/gaslight-effect-dont-be-a_b_48021.html
She wrote an excellent book on the subject.
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How excellent that the term gaslighting is conveyed in the context of racism. I never thought of it in that way. And yes, I viewed the classic thriller GASLIGHT, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, and would love to see a contemporary remake.
In the 1944 movie, Boyer portrayed a sinister husband; in real life, he committed suicide-by-OD after his wife of nearly 50 years lost her battle to cancer. Not irony at all, but rather sad.
I reallly like this blog post on gaslighting, Abagond!
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I’ve never heard of the word “gaslighting” before! This is why I like coming to this site: I learn a lot of things!
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bigWOWO said:
“I thought the term “Gaslighting” was coined by Robin Stern (after the movie, of course):”
The earliest example the Wikipedia gives is from 1974:
“Lee Majors, playing the character of Steve Austin in the series The Six Million Dollar Man, uses the term early in the episode “The Seven Million Dollar Man” (which first aired in November, 1974) when he complains that his boss, physician, and a nurse are conspiring to convince him that something he’s witnessed did not, in fact, transpire as he believes it did.”
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Interesting.
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Thank you so much for posting this. I am not black, but I am a half East Asian, half white person living in France. I have encountered a lot of racism here, especially towards black and Middle Eastern people. Even all my white French friends from other parts of the country come here and are shocked by the candidness with which a store owner will tell them, ‘I’m glad that black man has left my shop.’ Hearing people talk about how ugly and smelly other ethnicities are… I’m even starting to see it more among celebrities. For example, Brigitte Bardot http://jezebel.com/5667722/predictions-for-brigitte-bardots-presidential-platform) and that French-born people with skin that is ‘too dark’ often get held back because of their race. e.g. Anais Mali said when she tried to get jobs in Paris she was told that her being black was ‘a problem’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iasK4BR8lL4 (about 3.15).
I’ve even made ‘friends’ here who have made fun of East Asian people in front of me. I have wondered if my race has played a part in my not finding work. I’ve never even been given an interview for the lowest paying grunt work and have been rejected within 30 minutes of making online applications as well. It’s certainly not as severe as it would be if I were another race, but with the attitude here, one can’t help but wonder if they are being discriminated against… I have had complete strangers I have only just met act incredibly rude towards me, but I have no idea if it is due to my race or something else.
I remember posting on a forum about all of this and more. Most of the members were white British people. Naturally, the majority employed this exact same method described in this article. People said I was too sensitive, that I was imagining everything, that I was exaggerating completely innocent comments and actions. That it was ludicrous to even consider that someone might reject me for a job due to my race. There was even someone who said they joked about a colleague’s race at work all the time and said that everything I had mentioned was done in jest and that I am taking simple jokes too seriously. There was even one person who seemed to be arguing that racism does not exist because he, a white man, had never experienced it!
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it’s good to put a name to this, thanks.
@Ella
I feel you, allow those people you and other POC know what’s up you are not imagining it, you are not being too sensitive you have a right to feel what you are feeling.
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As for that brigette bardot article that chick is real stupid. plain and simple she thinks no woman should be in a high politcal position except her? is it becasue she is a special little snowflake? Give me a bloody break.
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Reminds me of the film Rosemary’s Baby
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Hey, Bardot is a former movie beauty! Take her for real? Think she says something politically genius? I don’t. 😀
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Black people know what’s up. Of course people are going to try to deny racism, they know exactly what they’re doing. if they hoodwink a few darkies into thinking that racism doesn’t exist, then racism will not get questioned and things will never change, and they get to keep their privileges and benefits on the back of us. This is why I do not even engage in discussions with people who cannot relate to me on that aspect. We can talk about movies, clothes, fashion, etc. but racism? No unless you’ve lived it or experienced it you can’t tell me a thing.
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Oh, you’re right. Thanks, Abagond.
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@ Ella
Your experiences sound really bad. The following is not meant to be patronising but just some piece of advice that I would apply for myself. Everybody is different but it can’t be that this disease keeps spreading at the rate it apparently does. I don’t live in France anymore for a few years but I’m close enough to catch the vibes.
Speaking for myself, if I was in your situation right now this is what I would do.
First thing, tell them. Confront them. Let people know when they make racist remarks. It doesn’t mean you have to make a noisy scene in public, just with a firm but calm voice. “Vous croyez pas que c’était raciste?” A first reply might be something like “eh ben, pourquoi?” You’re in a conversation if you keep calm and on the spot. Keep insisting that derogatory comments are “de la méchanceté gratuite” which makes them look bad first of all. Always be aware that those people often have an inferiority complex but nobody likes to look bad, first of all those who have the complex.
Of course you won’t change most people’s minds but if you hit just a few who might start thinking about their ways, that would be a step in the right direction. Keep in mind that French people won’t kill you for expressing your opinion. If you’re prepared for counter arguments keep insisting.
As far as those “friends” are concerned, if they are really friends it should be no problem to openly confront them with their ignorance. If they get defensive or start avoiding you, well then they are certainly not friends. I would avoid those people and stick to only those who really appreciate and respect you as a person. There are enough virulent anti-racists from all walks of life and ethnicities in France. Even better, those who do respect you and who also know the ignorant ones. They might be able to influence them. “Il n’y a que des imbéciles qui ne changent pas d’avis”. (Only fools never change their minds.)
If you’re in a bigger city you’re likely to find like-minded groups with similar racist experiences and European French you can talk to and who will really listen. Hopefully also people with some pull. The chances to find positive vibes on that end are probably highest in Paris and Marseille. I would guess perhaps less in Alsace – from where I heard complacency to racism is most rampant – and in smaller towns but I don’t know enough about the province.
If you encounter rampant discrimination I would definitely contact one of the anti-racism associations in France
http://www.sos-racisme.org/
http://www.mrap.asso.fr/
They might or might not be able to directly help you but in any case, every testimony is needed to get back to progress.
I have been the target of discrimination throughout my life but I could never accept being the victim of it. I got through this way. I was also lucky enough to have solidarity among all sorts of people. I sometimes wonder what happened to the eighties spirit.
Bon courage!
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Femi,
Merci beaucoup de votre réponse! I have had far worse experiences elsewhere, but it appears those who are racist here are able to be far more open about it when it comes to saying what’s on their mind.
Your message did not come across as patronising at all. Thank you for taking the time to help me. I appreciate it.
As for the ‘friends’. I can forgive ignorance, but not blatant racism. I do not choose to continue friendships with those who are strongly racist and show no signs of recognising how wrong it is. For example, one particular ‘friend’ had travelled the world extensively and yet still held extremely racist views about everyone who was not white. It came naturally to her to immediately mock their speech if they either had a foreign accent or were not speaking a European language. She was too set in her ways for me to even suggest her comments and actions may be offensive. She always said to me she had trouble making friends (apart from one white friend) and I think her racism is one of the reasons.
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Never thought of racism through this perspective… All I can say is: Amazing!
It is so true, specially when you say “You keep asking yourself ‘Am I being too sensitive?’ ”
I constantly ask myself that, now I know i’m not the only one.(Thanks God!!!)
Keep doing a good work Abagond!
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Interesting concept…of course, that might be better than getting the “Gasface”!
😉
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never heard this term before
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Thank you for sharing this! I too, am hearing this term for the first time and have had to deal with this through family. Both of my parents were emotionally abusive and played tricks on me all the time. (I’m a black female by the way): My family was militant so emotions didn’t matter. But I didn’t conform and they basically did all they could to prove that they were right. My stepfather would go through my things in front of me: including my underwear drawer: this was when I was 12: my mother has done shit as well: it was a difficult time (more like several years) but I”ve gotten better: I’ve reached out to therapy over the years and am reading a workbook about emotionally absent mothers. Here’s hoping it works!
And I will definitely check out that movie!
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I just found the whole movie on youtube:
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@Femi,
I can tell you that small towns in France are deeply racist, I’ve been called a “bougnoule” numerous times in front of other people who did not even react. I dearly miss living in the UK, where no-one ever gave me a dirty look or called me names.
@Ella,
Do you have a foreign sounding name?
That maybe a reason why you’re not getting any replies.
A former classmate of mine put a french name on her cv and was promptly given an interview, when she turned up and they realised she was north african, she told them she was going to sue them if she didn’t get the job.
It worked.
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@Ella
I can relate to you regarding your online experience. I wasn’t the target myself but I saw other people being the victim of racism the same way you described.
@Femi
I haven’t experienced any real life racism (born and living in a chiefly monoracial country) but I’ve seen racism online. In all the cases I saw, accusations of white racism are ALWAYS dismissed except when the N-word is used or the instigator of racism makes it blatantly plain that s/he does not like people of another race based on nothing but race, never mind the tone of the accuser.
It’s true that you won’t get killed for expressing your opinions but it does not feel good to be blackballed/abused by everyone around yourself either, and that’s what I saw happening to the ones who complained about racism.
Of course, it’s all based on my online experience. Those who experienced it in real life know much much more about it and can correct me if I’m wrong.
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Naima – Both my surname and middle name are foreign. I gave up the job search a while ago (after a year or so of looking) and started studying again. Anyway, a change of scenery will definitely occur within a year, so perhaps I will have better chances then.
Did your classmate not have to send a photo with her CV?
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She doesn’t look like a typical north african, she has light skin, hazel eyes and fine features, she could pass for a southern european if it wasn’t for her name.
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“This is most commonly done by White Americans telling blacks that they are being oversensitive, that they are imagining things – trying to get blacks to doubt their judgement.”
I can think of another, very prominent way that gaslighting is used. But I’ll refrain…
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@natasha w
please do tell, you can’t just get a girl all intrested and say no.
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Aiyo, I’ll never tellll… 😛
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Amazing post
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Reblogged this on Mbeti's Blog and commented:
Still experiencing this ,other was done to me by a white male library security officer!
was waiting in the bathroom a would have walked close behind me as I was leaving(has been done so many times I readily recognizes it) repeated used profanity and then lies about it.
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Ah that was a very stressful time in my life and reading this post helped a lot.
For some reason in poped in my mind and I did another search to download a english language version as at the time I could not find one.
Lets just say things have gotten slightly better maybe….
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Write down the experiences. I find that it helps. After some time, you can read it back to yourself and hopefully see a pattern to confirm that you’re not being crazy.
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