I need to record this while it is still fresh in my mind. If I write it down anywhere else it will get lost or fall into the wrong hands. One of the ironies of this blog is that it hides in plain sight.
I saw Rebecca, my wife, yesterday for the first time in three months. We went to see Dr Becker (not his name but I have to call him something in this blog) to sort out who gets our two sons when.
Dr Becker is a family counsellor. The court appointed him because I said I do not want to divorce my wife – just not live with her till she gets help and gets better.
My wife has what is known as an abusive personality: she tries to control the people in her life even to the point of lies, put-downs, threats and physical violence when her charm fails to do the trick. I left her three months ago when her threats to kill me became a little too well-worded. I took our two sons with me.
No, I am not married to Vanessa A. Williams, but that is a good picture for this post because that is how pretty and charming she seems. When we talked to Dr Becker she poured it on. And he, despite all his degrees, is still a man and fell for it. She was affecting me too as angry as I was.
When I told Dr Becker that she threatened to kill me, she said, “Oh, in Jamaica we say that all the time. It doesn’t mean a thing.” Sure, “I’ll kill you” does not mean much, but what about “I am going to crack your skull”?
She lied like it was nothing, saying things she knows are not true, making it seem like I was the one who had issues, not her. When I called her on it she would get angry and Dr Becker would move us past it. He was just there to get us to agree on how often she gets to see the boys.
She wanted the boys every other weekend when she is off. I said one weekend a month is enough. In the end we agreed she could have them for a long Fourth of July weekend, the last weekend in July when Frankie, the younger one, turns 12 (the other one is 13) and late in August to see her father in Jamaica, who probably will not last another year. If she returns them late or harms them then the remaining dates are out.
Dr Becker wants to give us marriage counselling. Rebecca said, “Oh yes, we need that.” But before I left her it was always, “We will get marriage counselling when we can afford it.” But I am afraid she thinks that if she just smiles and says all the right words things will be magically back to the way they were.
Abagond 
If it’s worked that way for her entire life…why wouldn’t it now?
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I pray that you and your family get through this.
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ofcourse i don’t know you, but judging by your writing and openess you seem like a nice guy and intelligent. i wish you the best.
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maybe your wife is just unhappy and is taking her pain out on you
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i bet your an attractive guy in reality abagond, i’m sure your wife misses you.
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I’m glad you are seeing someone. I wish you and your family the best.
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When you have done all you can do…Just be still and listen the voice of Wisdom will speak to you.
Blessings and peace
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Hey Abagond,
When you get the chance, click on the link to the utube website below and listen to Madea’s words of wisdom about relationships:
Wishing you all the best.
Regina
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The link above is NOT the correct one, and does not take you directly to Madea’s advice about relationships. I hope this one will. If not, just type in YouTube “Words of Wisdom from Madea,” and you should be able to watch it. Tyler Perry gives some excellent advice.
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I’m glad to see you and your wife are taking some steps towards a resolution. I was not going to say this but I have been thinking about it for a while (and I have never even met you)…Do you trust her enough for her to take your sons to a foreign country? They would easily be classified as Jamaican citizens.
BTW.. People in Jamaica don’t say “I’ll kill you” in casual conversation.
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Any Updates?
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Abagond
“…One of the ironies of this blog is that it hides in plain sight…”
This is definitely true. And this revealing aspect of your relationship with your wife is also very enlightening and surprising. In fact, I only stumbled upon this blog post when I clicked the next topic in line after:
“…« Are black women ugly or is it racism that makes them seem so?…”
So I definitely feel there is a connection in both these topics for you. And writing about both in this way is one way of exploring this
I am aware I commenting on a topic that is over a year old so I don’t know to what extent your relationship has changed but I can offer this from what I have read here and my own experiences.
The type of woman you describe your wife to be – emotionally controlling and manipulative – is not someone unfamiliar from my own experiences. In fact, I had a mother who was just like this. It caused my father to leave her and myself and brother to be brought up with my father away from mother in the process. Incidentally – she also was Jamaican. If it had not been for the strength, positive conviction and pride of my father in carrying out his decision I probably wouldn’t be here communicating to here on this blog.
Of course not all women are: “emotionally controlling and manipulative” and more specifically not all Black Jamaican women are like this. It would be an all too easy trap to fall into of generalizations and stereotypes here.
However, just like men can be readily assumed to occupy this role so too can women. The real challenge is for all of us is to be sufficiently secure in the knowledge of our own selves and our emotional needs to not have to fall victim to others who prey in this manner.
Its only by doing this that we show and allow others to grow who we form relationships with – assuming they want to of course!
Which is also the fundamental basis of any relationship: Mutual Growth. If this is not present on both sides then you have to accept this and move on. Otherwise a dominance of power can build up on one side and your experience has already testified to what this can lead to.
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Abagond. You must tell me how many of these my wife posts you wrote and how this saga developed to the present day. Did you or did you not ex-wife her? If not, was she the reason for your absence? I know it’s none of my business, but since you posted these highly private things, it would be churlish of you not to go the whole hog, so to speak.
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https://abagond.wordpress.com/2022/10/13/programming-note-46/#comment-654207
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I know that, I’m not asking for an explanation but a coda. As a storyteller it is good practice. A 14 year cliffhanger is burlesque, not storytelling.
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“I know that”
You said that, it’s a direct quote from one of your own comments.
“As a storyteller it is good practice. A 14 year cliffhanger is burlesque, not storytelling.”
You’re assuming he was telling a story, but there are other reasons he may have made those posts. It looks like he deleted a good many posts that led up to the ones you’re fixated on. If he’d been storytelling, he wouldn’t have deleted huge chunks of the story, either.
“I’m not asking for an explanation but a coda.”
You said on the other thread you were asking for your “own amusement” and “for sh!ts and giggles” — how bored are you to keep pestering him about it? Do you not have anything else to keep yourself occupied?
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@ gro jo
I learned the hard way not to share personal info, even if anonymized, on the Internet.
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“You said that, it’s a direct quote from one of your own comments.” So what?
“You’re assuming he was telling a story, but there are other reasons he may have made those posts. It looks like he deleted a good many posts that led up to the ones you’re fixated on. If he’d been storytelling, he wouldn’t have deleted huge chunks of the story, either.”
He was telling his story with the usual bias such exercise entails. He even included the picture of an actress that had nothing to do with his tale because, according to him, she reminded him of his wife. I don’t think she would be pleased to see her image used in this manner.
“It looks like he deleted a good many posts that led up to the ones you’re fixated on. If he’d been storytelling, he wouldn’t have deleted huge chunks of the story, either.”
You know that how?
I’m not looking to pry into his personal life, I just want the story to lead to its natural conclusion. A) He dumped her. Or B) He’s still hanging on to a relationship that reached its sale by date 14 years ago.
“@ gro jo
I learned the hard way not to share personal info, even if anonymized, on the Internet.”
Understood. I’m not asking you to divulge anything new. I just want to know which alternative you picked.
A) You dumped her or B) You stayed with her.
If you really want to not share personal info, you need to 86 these posts. Leaving them around is a form of striptease. Go the whole hog or 86 them.
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Gro Jo said:
“If you really want to not share personal info, you need to 86 these posts. Leaving them around is a form of striptease. Go the whole hog or 86 them.”
The self appointed emperor of WordPress has spoken.
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everything’s not for everyone
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my ex wife (not black) just got me for $80000, and apparently the 90 flat i did in philadelphia county over child support with no plenary hearing was an extrajudicial false imprisonment
women. and the social service industry that sides with them unless as one exworker opined unless the police catch them toasting marshmellows after they burn the house down
YMMV
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“The self appointed emperor of WordPress has spoken.”
Yes, he has, do you have a problem with that? If you do, tell me how his posts on his wife or “ex-wife”, as you ignorantly referred to her, preserves his, his wife’s and their children’s privacy? Your “ex-wife” claim was ignorant bs, because you know as much about Abagond’s domestic arrangements as I do.
Unlike you, I refrain from speaking about things I know nothing about. Based on his posts I know the age of his sons.
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Gro Jo said:
“Yes, he has, do you have a problem with that?”
Personally I think you are flogging a dead horse on a subject that Abagond no longer wants to discuss publicly.. but as the kids say these days “you do you”.
Gro Jo said:
““ex-wife”, as you ignorantly referred to her..”
I said (ex) wife (With ex in parentheses being a variable) but when you referred to her as his ex-wife in your next post I replied to clarify they could still be together but he hadn’t talked about her for almost 14 years.
Gro Jo said:
“Based on his posts I know the age of his sons.”
Well yes, so do I ….unless Abagond anonymized his sons ages as well.
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Lemmy, lemme guess, you’re lonely and in need of a friend. Not interested, move on. This is my final reply. I was able to guess which part of NYC Abagond lived in at the time, have you?
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Gro Jo said:
“lemme guess, you’re lonely and in need of a friend.”
You guessed wrong.
Gro Jo said:
“I was able to guess which part of NYC Abagond lived in at the time, have you?”
No, because I don’t have any desire to dox Abagond.
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yeah right, it takes years, man, the hate, and disrespect. questioning yourself, asking that damnable thing why
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