I left my wife. I took our two sons, ages 11 and 13. She is no longer safe to live with.
She has threatened to kill me repeatedly. She said she would “crack my skull” if I did not keep the house clean enough. (I worked from home so housecleaning fell to me.) The night before I left I had pots on the stove drying. She said it made her want to drive a knife through my heart, to split my head open. Earlier that day she hit me in front of my sons and called me “useless” and then threatened to run me over with the car.
She is not well. She needs serious help. I will not return till she gets that help and gets well enough where I can feel safe living with her.
So now I am on the run. That is why I no longer blog regularly – because I cannot always get on the Internet whenever I want.
I do not know yet where I will wind up. Most likely New York where I used to live but maybe overseas. It depends on how likely I think she will come after me and how well she can find me.
We left on Sunday the first day of March. That morning the boys and I left to go to church and the library, like we always do on Sundays, but this time when we hit the main road we turned right instead of left and never looked back. All we had were the clothes on our back and our library books.
We went to a neighbour’s house to get off the street for a few hours. A good thing too because she went looking for us. She waited in front of the church for us and then went to the bus station.
We did go to the bus station – later on, after we left the neighbour’s house! There I called the police. They were no help: they told me to go back and, as an added favour, they would call my wife! But that made it impossible to return and play it off.
But we still needed to get back into the house: I had only $40 on me, not enough to get all three of us to New York. The boys also needed proper winter coats and I needed their passports and birth certificates. And the computer too so I could support them. All that stuff was back at the house.
I called the shelter and they put us up in a hotel room in town. On Tuesday in the middle of the night we went back to the house – she works as a night nurse – and took everything we could carry, leaving our footprints in the snow. I took the passports and my father’s Shakespeare, but I could not find the computer.
I filed a restraining order. On Wednesday my sister got us out of town. The hearing for the restraining order is on Monday, the ninth.
See also:
i’m really so sorry for u..i never thought things would turn that bad,u seemed so much in love withe her despite all the trouble!!i’ll pray for you and your sons..plz do ur best to get together again soon.
LikeLike
i am so sorry!! i hope the hearing goes well (i’ll be praying) how are the boys holding up?
LikeLike
Abagond,
I’m so sorry. She does need help and you did the right thing by leaving. You’re a strong man. I hope you get through this.
LikeLike
I wish you all the best.
LikeLike
Good luck
LikeLike
this is only one side of the story abagond.
LikeLike
I am sorry to hear Abagond, wish you all the best.
LikeLike
*hugs and prayers*
LikeLike
I hope that you are safe and can find a decent place to stay until you get this all straightened out with your wife.
LikeLike
I’ll be praying for you and your family.
LikeLike
I’m really sorry about your situation. You did the right thing for yourself and your sons. I pray your wife will get the help she needs and that you will heal from this ordeal.
LikeLike
Agabond:
My heart goes out to you. I feel a need, though, to advise you to get a good family lawyer right away. I’m not a family lawyer myself. However, I do know that the law frowns on one parent taking unilateral action to remove children from another parent. This is especially true where it’s a father removing children from a mother. In my home state, fathers get hammered for this, often losing all of their parental rights.
LikeLike
Thanks for all your prayers and virtual hugs.
Sadly Blanc2 is right: I will have to get a lawyer. I hate that.
I do still love her but she needs help. This is the only way to force the issue.
Yes, you are only hearing my side of the story. That cannot be helped, that is the nature of any blog. In fact, that is the main reason I stopped blogging about my marriage in 2008: because commenters would tend to side with me having heard only my side of it, making me feel more right about my side than I should.
LikeLike
I am saddened to learn about this. It is a difficult situation living with someone who is ill. I have a friend who is going through an ugly divorce and he want’s full custody of his daughter because he feels that she isn’t safe for the child to live with. There has to be a psychiatric analysis and other things to prove this. It’s very sad and confusing for the child. She was diagnosed with Bipolar, but refuses to get help and it does only get worse when it isn’t treated. I do hope in your situation, that your wife gets help, if not for herself, for the children. I will pray for you and your children and hope for your safety.
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
i truly feel for you and for your children, and i hope you all pull through this! i’ve only recently discovered your WONDERFUL blog, but it’s easily among the ones i visit most frequently. and yet i had no idea you were going through such an ordeal 😦
i wish you and your family all the best!
LikeLike
Sorry about that. I believe you have done the right thing for your sons.
The only advice I would give to you is to express how much you love your wife, and how much she loves them. That she just needs help now.
Good luck.
LikeLike
Abagond.
I have not been to your blog in a while, but, I followed a link to my site to check it out, (a site by a blogger named Robert Lindsay), and lo and behold, I saw the link to this post.
I am so very sorry to hear about your ordeal. I pray that all is well with you and your sons and that you are all safe as I write this. I also hope and pray that your wife gets the help she needs. Both your childrn love and need their parents and just as this is tormenting for you, it is frightening to your children.
I agree with Blanc2 . You must get a lawyer. I will have to agree with Blanc 2 as well that men do get “hammered” in child custody cases when situations such as this arise, so you have to be careful of what you say and do in the meanwhile.
The peace of mind and safety for you and your children is of utmost importance.
And just so is the help your wife needs to give you back the woman you married and made plans to have a long and happy life with.
Godspeed to you and your family, Abagond.
Peace.
LikeLike
We are safe. Thank you, Ann.
LikeLike
Abagond,
Wow. I am so behind. You and you family will be in my prayers…Its a difficult situation that you’re in but at least you’ve got ppl from all over the world wishing you all well!
Keep praying, remain strong for your family and put your absolute trust in God.
I read that you managed to get your father’s Shakespeare. I dunno if you’re religious or not but Psalm 91 is powerful!
I had an exam today and I read Psalm 91 before…it helped me. It is such a beautiful Psalm!
Read it to your sons!!!
God bless.
Annaleisha.
LikeLike
I’m so sorry!But you did the right thing…. soon your wife will realise that
LikeLike
Oh my, Abagond. I wasn’t expecting this.
Seriously, dude, I’m praying for you. I really hope everything gets better for you. You seem like a good guy, so I’m really praying for you.
Support from Massachusetts. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
Abagond, I have been an off and on reader of your blog for two years. This year, I have gotten hooked to your writings. I was given one of those awards to pass along and choose you as one of several recipients, although I’ll be surprised if you really care since it’s not one of the “biggies”. Anyway, visit my blog Friday or Saturday if you do.
This evening I decided to read your ‘About’ entries and ended up here. Well, living with a violent person is extremely difficult. I have no idea what your wife’s issues or anger is about, but I well understand the fear and urge to escape, which I described when my my 21 year old son recently put a gun to his head, which I wrote about here. I was scared sh*tless for him, but for me too.
He’s avoided hard liquor since then (which is one known trigger to his mood swings), but with a violent or suicidal person not in treatment, you always wonder when the next ‘event’ will happen.
What you described sounds traumatic. I hope all four of you have had help in dealing with the feelings about this terrible chapter in your lives and/or that there has been considerable healing.
Best wishes,
~ Kit
LikeLike
Now that’s what I’d call drama.
LikeLike
I was in your sons’ position at their age (fleeing a violent parent with the other parent) and it has affected my life ever since. I know I really wish that the parent who remained in my life had talked about it more with me, although I know she was doing what was best for us and I know it was difficult for her to talk about at the time or even now.
Peace & love to you and your sons.
LikeLike
You poor bastard. I hope you didn’t go back for more abuse.
“She is not well. She needs serious help. I will not return till she gets that help and gets well enough where I can feel safe living with her.”
You come off as masochistic with this nonsense.
LikeLike
To Gro Jo
Who said:
“You come off as masochistic with this nonsense.”
He comes off as honest and trying his best to deal with someone with serious mental issues and wasn’t willing to give up on someone he had children and with whom he had spent more than a decade of his life.
LikeLike
Lemmy, lemme guess, you imagine yourself my nemesis? She was clearly dangerous to him and their children. Their drama dated 3 years prior to this post. See his prior posts on this woman. His only rationale for staying with her is his Christian dogma. After reading these posts, comeback and write your nonsense if you are still convinced his wish to stay with her isn’t a death wish. I don’t recall reading about a cure for what ails her, have you? If he was foolish enough to go back for more, that would explain his recent hiatus from this blog.
LikeLike
To gro jo:
Gro Jo said:
“Lemmy, lemme guess, you imagine yourself my nemesis?”
From one anonymous guy on the internet to another, in a word, no.
Gro Jo said:
“Their drama dated 3 years prior to this post.”
People suffering from mental illness have good and bad days.. and I’ve seen smart people stick it out with partners who were worse and there may be other extenuating circumstances why he stuck it for so long (Such as custody of his children, etc).
Gro Jo said:
“If he was foolish enough to go back for more, that would explain his recent hiatus from this blog.”
I haven’t seen posts about his wife for a very long time and suspect the issues surrounding his recent hiatus have nothing to do with his (ex)wife. He can choose to reply or not.
Given this post is now almost 14 years old, not sure why you elect to dredge it up.
LikeLike
Oops:
” why he stuck it for so long..”
Should read as:
” why he stuck it out for so long..”
LikeLike
Glad to hear he had the courage to ditch her. Can you point to the post divulging that information?
“Given this post is now almost 14 years old, not sure why you elect to dredge it up.”
For shits and giggles.
LikeLike
“Given this post is now almost 14 years old, not sure why you elect to dredge it up.”
For my amusement? People dredge up old posts all the time without a word from you.
Glad to hear he ” (ex)wife’d” her. His comment about getting back when she’s ‘well’ reeked of masochism.
“People suffering from mental illness have good and bad days.. and I’ve seen smart people stick it out with partners who were worse and there may be other extenuating circumstances why he stuck it for so long (Such as custody of his children, etc).”
That like saying you should hang on to a broken clock because it gives accurate time twice a day.
LikeLike
Gro Jo said:
“Glad to hear he had the courage to ditch her. Can you point to the post divulging that information?”
Nope, but I believe this is last post from Abagond concerning his wife.
Gro Jo:
“That like saying you should hang on to a broken clock because it gives accurate time twice a day.”
If he was talking about a three month relationship (No kids nor marriage) that’s one thing but a 14 year commitment that involves two adolescent children, that’s a different story and it would appear you are not a parent or if you are you’ve never had any serious issues with your spouse. Bully for you then. In my opinion what you see as masochism I see as stoicism and the strength to endure the problematic behavior from his wife probably to prevent said issues from deeply affecting his children.
You are of course free to have a different opinion.
LikeLike
Correction…”I said 14 year commitment..” since they had a 13 year old child at the time of the original post but likely their relationship was longer than 14 years….
LikeLike
“Nope, but I believe this is last post from Abagond concerning his wife.”
You don’t know what you’re talking about. His latest absence could have been due to to his wife, if they are still together.
“In my opinion what you see as masochism I see as stoicism and the strength to endure the problematic behavior from his wife probably to prevent said issues from deeply affecting his children.”
Not being the ‘noble’ type, I reject your interpretation.
Given Abagond’s expertise in the interaction of the police with irrational black women, I find his attempt to involve the police in his dispute with her troubling. He might have subconsciously wished they would rid him of this troublesome hag. Eleanor Bumpurs comes to mind. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Eleanor_Bumpurs)
LikeLike