Domestic violence is where those who are married or dating use violence against each other. In this post I will talk mainly about wife beaters – husbands who beat up or even kill their wives – but please keep in mind that wives can be violent too and so can someone you are dating. It is the same sickness of the mind in all cases.
People tend to think of wife beaters as men who do not know how to control their anger.
It has little to do with anger. It is all about control.
That is why their moods seem to change suddenly, why they get angry about little things, why they go from sweet to violent and back to sweet again. Some of them will even think out in advance what they will get angry about and set you up!
The violence is part of a broader pattern of behaviour. The hitting is just one part of it.
It starts with words. They pick on every little thing you do, you can do nothing right, you do not use your brain. They make you feel like an ant. They make you feel like you are nothing without them. They are trying to crush your spirit.
Because they are trying to control you, they always want to know where you are, they are always checking up on you, calling you, thinking you are seeing another man (even though according to them no other man would have you!). They do not like when you spend time with your friends; they try to keep you away from your family.
When they do hit you they blame you for it or find some other excuse – dinner was late, the house is not clean, something.
After they hit you some might say they are sorry. A honeymoon period follows where they are sweet to you, they bring you flowers, you feel special and loved.
But after a while they will start picking on you again and put you down and seem to find every excuse to get angry and upset.
And so it goes round and round, but the round and round can get worse and worse and put you in the hospital or in your grave.
Can wife beaters get help? Can they change their ways? Can they break out of this sick pattern? I do not know.
The advice most people give is to leave.
Easier said than done. Many of these women still love their husbands and want their marriages to work. “He is a great husband except for ….” Also some women have bought into the message these wife beaters feed them about being nothing without them.
And if you do leave, where will you go? What about money? What about your children? It is not easy.
But it is worse than even that: it is just when these women try to leave that they are most in danger. Because, remember, it is all about control.